"Nexie" <greenknight@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote in message
news:qoCgh.10883$z01.6916@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> oldmadbadger wrote:
>> One slightly (ab)used kitten : two careless owners.
>>
>> Description : black and white hat on head, dirty face, smells of ****.
>>
>> Answers to the name of : Schmoo, ****face, Hey You Get Down Off There !
>> and What The **** Do You Think
>> You're Doing Now You Stupid Retarded Feline !
>
> If it doesn't respond to Stinky, Smellycat, Stupid or Princess *****kins
> of Pomerania, I ain't interested.
>
>> Mileage : 6 months on the clock.
>>
>> Condition :Good, no major defects, prone to sucking on hairy sweaters
>> until thoroughly soaked.
>
> Sounds my kind of cat. I'm not that hairy, but I do sweat a lot.
>
>> Eats : Catfood, Crackers, Curry, Condiments, Crusty French Bread,
>> Chillies, and anything else it can cram into its furry little face
>> before vomiting all over the hall carpet.
>
> Hmm...it's not so much vomiting as laying down a line of half-digested
> meat. A bit like a sausage machine that hasn't been provided with skins.
> Ideal consistency for getting right between the toes of a half-asleep
> human in the dark.
i reeeeeeeely don't know why i'm getting dragged into this ... but the
little ****er regurgitates
puddles of bile like frog spawn all over the kitchen floor, and then only
when i have a hangover,
(thanks to its built-in human hangover detector) and because of the
colourless nature of this feline gastro-
intestinal ejected effluvia, one is liable to stand in it before one even
realises it is there, and a certain
viscous quality ensures a swift glissading motion of the body leading to
serious toe trappage beneath the
the cooker, phalange breakage, ineffectual yet sincerely intended foul
language, a strange hopping motion
by the unfortunate victim and a vain attempt to connect one's uninjured
foot
with the rear end of the
offending kitten-shaped-spawn-of-hell, usually resulting in a swift
uncontrolled vertical descent onto one's
arse regions ...
>
>> Likes : Crying piteously for hours on end, Tripping people on stairs,
>> Loose bowel movements, Kangaroo boxing with other cats, Waking humans
at
>> 6 a.m.
>>
>> Dislikes : Being a cat, Litter trays, Affection, Going outdoors, Moving
>> any great distance, Not eating for more than ten minutes at a time.
>>
>> High maintenance, expensive, unforgiving, crude attention seeking
device
>> seeks considerate lunatic to furnish life of luxury, only cat crazy
>> idiots
>> need apply to :
>
> Look, is this an advert for a cat or the owner?
now you come to mention it, i see what you mean ...
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