December 15, 2003
OPENING REMARKS FROM THE "LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN"
ON THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK
(Monday, Dec. 8-Friday, Dec. 12)
"This just in, ladies and gentlemen: the global warming rally has been
canceled. Here in New York City, we had the huge blizzard over the
weekend. We have three feet of snow on Eighth Avenue and all lifts are
running."
* * *
"I had to get up this morning and shovel my walk because we got like
four feet of snow and I shoveled and I shoveled and I found three old
newspapers and a Jehovah's Witness."
* * *
"I saw one of those perfect Yuletide scenes at Wal-Mart today: their
Santa, their Santa Claus in Wal-Mart was dragged off in an immigration
raid."
* * *
"Big news from the world of politics: Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean
for president. Huh? That's right. That's pretty fitting – the guy who
didn't beat Bush endorses the guy who won't beat Bush."
* * *
"Well, maybe you know this: last night, they had one of those
Democratic candidate Presidential wanna-be debate kind of things. How
many of you saw the big Presidential Democratic debate? You look at
these guys, I can't believe Bush has to raise $200 million to beat
those clowns."
* * *
"But this was exciting: earlier in the week, Howard Dean was endorsed
by former Vice President Al Gore, and now Howard Dean is getting
campaign advice from Al Gore. And I'm thinking, well, who better to
give advice than the guy who couldn't even get elected with the most
votes."
* * *
"I think this is good news, and I think it's about time: earlier
today, Colin Powell named James Brown – the hardest working man in
show business, James Brown – named James Brown the 'Secretary of Soul'
and 'Foreign Minister of Funk'. And I think this is great because
before, before the Bush administration, you probably remember this,
Soul and Funk were two different agencies."
"Here is good news: James Brown, the hardest working man in show
business, James Brown has been named by Colin Powell as the 'Secretary
of Soul' and the 'Foreign Minister of Funk.' Congratulations. His
mandate will be to stem the alarming decline of funk."
* * *
"Oh, did you hear about this? What an unusual thing, but it does
happen: down there in Washington, D.C., they had an earthquake. An
earthquake – very unusual thing, but it happened. My God, they had an
earthquake. Things went crazy for a while – for example, over at the
Clinton townhouse…Hillary, because of the earthquake, Hillary was
accidentally thrown into bed with Bill."
* * *
"The Governor of California earlier today said that – I thought this
was great – he said it will not be necessary, this is what Governor
Schwarzenegger said, it will not be necessary to investigate sexual
charges, sexual harassment charges against him. Arnold Schwarzenegger
says it will not be necessary to investigate the sexual harassment
charges against him. Bill Clinton heard that and he said, 'You can do
that?'"
* * *
"Well, down there in Washington, all the politicians are getting
excited. Even, you know, former President Clinton, he's got an office
here in New York City and he's decorating his office. He finished
putting the mistletoe under his desk."
* * *
"By the way, congratulations to Kenny Rogers – Kenny is going to be a
father. Kenny Rogers is 65 years old. Isn't that amazing? I'm telling
you, if there's one thing I am sick and tired of it's old guys getting
women pregnant."
* * *
"Now here is good news for holiday travelers: airport screeners are
now x-raying holiday fruitcakes. Listen to this: even with the x-ray,
they cannot determine what those little red things are."
* * *
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN, a production of Worldwide Pants
Incorporated, is broadcast weeknights (11:35 PM-12:37 AM, ET/PT) on
the CBS Television Network. Maria Pope, Barbara Gaines, Rob Burnett
and Jude Brennan are the executive producers.
* * *
March 1, 2004
OPENING REMARKS FROM THE "LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN"
ON THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK
(Monday, Feb. 23-Friday, Feb. 27)
"You know what happens on Sunday? The Academy Awards -- how many of
you folks are excited about the Academy Awards? This year, the Academy
Awards will be hosted by Billy Crystal -- nice to see that my lifetime
ban is still in effect."
* * *
"But this morning, I got my annual call from the Academy and they tell
me, if for some reason Billy Crystal is unable to fulfill his duties
on Sunday, they still don't want me to host."
* * *
"How many of you folks have been following the Martha Stewart trial?
Are you excited, interested? Well, there was some good news, I think;
it's hard to follow because I'm no legal genius, but I think this is
good news. The judge is now considering throwing out some charges
against Martha. And, when Martha heard this, she says, 'Oh, don't
throw them out -- they can be turned into lovely Japanese lanterns.'"
* * *
"You folks been following the Martha Stewart trial? Martha Stewart, in
a lot of trouble, could go away.
How many of you believe Martha Stewart is innocent? How many of you
believe she's guilty? Well, that's not nice. Well, anyway, Martha got
some good news: the judge said he may throw out one of the Security
Exchange Commission charges, and Martha said, 'Wait a minute, don't
throw anything out. It can be used the next day in a salad.'"
* * *
"But I think you can see a little bit that the pressure is starting to
get to Martha. Earlier in court today, she borrowed the judge's gavel
to pound some veal cutlets."
* * *
"Well, they wrapped up the Martha Stewart trial earlier today. As a
matter of fact, her entire defense took 15 minutes. That was it.
Closing remarks, the defense -- fifteen minutes -- and just enough
time for Martha to whip up a pistachio-crusted halibut."
* * *
"Well, you folks been following the Martha Stewart trial? What do you
think there, huh? How many of you think Martha Stewart is innocent?
How many of you believe she's guilty? Well, now the jury is
deliberating the Martha Stewart trial and it's very intense. And, as a
matter of fact, earlier today, they asked the judge -- you know how
the juries will ask the judge things while they're deliberating --
they asked the judge if they could see Martha's recipe for braised
lamb shanks."
* * *
"Here's some sad news: President Bush, his dog Spot passed away. He
didn't pass away, they passed him away, and that's sad. And I know how
that is being an animal lover, and so they took Spot back to the ranch
in Texas and they buried him on the ranch, which I thought was nice,
and they buried him right next to, I believe, 10,000 Al Gore ballots."
* * *
"You folks excited about the Democratic campaign, the Presidential
nomination thing? Well, it really kind of looks like now that John
Kerry is on his way to the Presidential nomination. The only thing
that can sink John Kerry now is an Al Gore endorsement."
* * *
"Well, here's some sad news: President Bush's long time dog, Spot,
died. Yeah, it's a shame, it really is a shame. I love dogs. They just
end up breaking your heart and it's a sad thing. And it's really sad
because Spot won't live to see a second Bush term -- but then, who
will?"
* * *
"You heard about this: President Bush has called on, wants a
Constitutional amendment, Constitutional amendment banning same-sex
marriages. A Constitutional amendment -- oh, yeah, yeah, like he knows
what a Constitutional amendment is."
* * *
"We had a scare down in Washington at the White House. A man hopped
over the fence surrounding the White House and he was tackled by
Secret Service. And, I believe this is the first person to get into
the White House unlawfully since, well, since Bush."
* * *
"Well, you heard about this I guess earlier in the week, George W.
Bush, our President, is calling for a Constitutional amendment to ban
gay weddings -- sounds like somebody didn't get an invitation to
Rosie's wedding."
* * *
"I just want to tell you folks one thing: thank God you're here,
because Friday night, what an ugly, nasty, rough audience we had. Am I
right, Paul? I hate to talk about people when they're not here, but
these folks were brutal, just brutal. I'll give you an idea how nasty
they were: Mel Gibson wants to do a movie about me."
* * *
"How many folks have been to see Mel Gibson's movie, 'The Passion…'?
And it's creating a great deal of controversy, but people are really
going to see it. And when they go to see it, some are shocked; some
actually weep; some run out of the theater -- I mean, it's a lot like
this show."
* * *
"I don't know if you folks heard about this, but legendary singer Lena
Horne has now requested that Janet Jackson not portray her in a TV
movie. I didn't know anything about this, but Lena Horne, a wonderful
entertainer and fantastic singer, with a TV movie, and Janet Jackson,
I guess, was going to be Lena Horne. And, so now Lena Horne says no,
so you know what that means -- I'm back in the running."
* * *
"Hey, here's some sad news: The oldest New Yorker has passed away at
111. So, now this moves Joan Rivers up to first place."
* * *
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN, a production of Worldwide Pants
Incorporated, is broadcast weeknights (11:35 PM-12:37 AM, ET/PT) on
the CBS Television Network. Maria Pope, Barbara Gaines, Rob Burnett
and Jude Brennan are the executive producers.
* * *
January 27, 2004
OPENING REMARKS FROM THE "LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN"
ON THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK
(Monday, Jan. 19-Friday, Jan. 23)
"I'm very excited. I've got a big weekend ahead of me. I'm really
looking forward to it. Listen to this: Howard Dean has joined my anger
management class."
* * *
"You folks see the Iowa caucuses last night? How many of you saw the
Howard Dean speech? Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? How
many of you got to see that? Here's a little tip, Howard: cut back on
the Red Bull."
* * *
"But you know, Howard Dean has been like the front runner and then
last night, he finishes a distant third in Iowa, and here's what
happened. This is the way it works. The people in Iowa realized that
they didn't want a president with a personality of a hockey dad."
* * *
"And God forbid, I should be the last one to criticize, but I think
maybe Howard Dean has a bit of a problem because earlier today during
a debate in New Hampshire, he bit off Joe Lieberman's ear."
* * *
"How about that Howard Dean? Did you see that thing after the – did
you see him screaming at everybody? '"Then we're going to Oregon and
then we're going to Las Vegas and then we're going to Milwaukee and
then we're going to Washington and California and Arizona and New
Mexico and Montana and Wyoming.' And, I don't know – he was at, like,
a rally yesterday up there in New Hampshire and somebody was heckling
him. So here's what he did: he started to sing the National Anthem.
He's singing 'The Star-Spangled Banner' while the guy is heckling him.
That's amazing, isn't it? And then, he followed up with 'When a Man
Loves a Woman.'"
* * *
"But seriously, I'm starting to worry about Howard Dean. He was
debating earlier tonight. He was debating Dennis Kucinich and he
head-butted him."
* * *
"I really believe about Howard Dean, I think we're about a day away
from him announcing that he's addicted to painkillers."
* * *
"…Howard Dean and his wife were interviewed by Diane Sawyer. I think
the interview went pretty well; they only had to use the pepper spray
on him twice."
* * *
"Of course, earlier tonight in Iowa, they had the Iowa caucuses – you
folks been following the Iowa caucuses? Well, the last word we had was
the results are apparently too close to call. Unless you're Dennis
Kucinich, and then..."
* * *
"The people are always coming up to me on the street and they would
say to me, 'Regis?' And I said, 'No, no, I'm not Regis.' They'll say
to me, 'What really is the – of course, you have the primaries and you
have the caucuses – what is a caucus?' Well, here now is what the
caucus is: the Iowa caucus is non-binding. See, that's the difference.
The Iowa caucus is a non-binding event – it's like a Britney Spears
marriage."
* * *
"Ted Kennedy, Massachusetts Sen. Ted Kennedy, is campaigning for John
Kerry. And Ted, if you're watching, I have two words for you: low
carbs."
* * *
"Meanwhile, in New Hampshire, Joe Lieberman is not doing very well –
currently, he is two points behind the Taliban candidate."
* * *
"Of course, as you know, earlier tonight, all of the television
networks covered President Bush's annual State of the Union address.
And it was – well, it was a real crowd pleaser. Bush promised 16 new
contracts to Halliburton."
* * *
"But President Bush's speech was very ambitious. Listen to this – and
I think this is what you've got to do when you're the president – he
promised that by the year 2010, we will have a man on Liza Minnelli."
* * *
"You folks see the President Bush State of the Union address last
night? How many of you got a chance to see the – yeah. How about that
surprise announcement? President Bush said last night that Howard Dean
has been captured and he's in the hands of interrogators."
"Now, last night, in his speech, George Bush had a lot of new
proposals. Listen to this: he's announced that he's adding aquamarine
to the terror alert color chart."
* * *
"There was a touching moment during the speech last night when
President Bush introduced Liza Minnelli's battered husband."
* * *
"You know, it's kind of a special anniversary today. Do you have any
idea what…the anniversary is today? Sixth anniversary, do you know
what I'm talking about? Six years ago today, President Clinton said to
the American people, 'I did not have sex with that woman.' Six years
ago today, that's right…Or, as we call it here at the LATE SHOW, 'the
dawn of the golden age of comedy.'"
* * *
"You know about this: Martha Stewart, our old friend, Martha Stewart,
you know they're having a trial for Martha Stewart. And did you see
the footage of this yesterday after court? This is what happened:
afterwards, after she comes out of the courthouse, Martha Stewart –
something goes weird and she jumps up onto the roof of her S.U.V. and
she shows everybody how to make pesto."
* * *
"Well, it's day four of the Martha Stewart trial. Oh my God, I hope
things go well for Martha…And there was kind of an unusual thing
happen in court today: right in the middle of the court session, the
judge allowed Martha Stewart to approach the bench and decoupage it."
* * *
"Are you people cold? It's crazy cold here in New York City for like
the last six weeks. And we don't know whether it's a cold spell or a
cold snap. But it's unbelievably brutal. Let me give you an idea how
cold it is in New York City. It's so cold that Puff Daddy had changed
his name from 'P. Diddy' to 'Frozen P.'"
* * *
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN, a production of Worldwide Pants
Incorporated, is broadcast weeknights (11:35 PM-12:37 AM, ET/PT) on
the CBS Television Network. Maria Pope, Barbara Gaines, Rob Burnett
and Jude Brennan are the executive producers.
* * *
January 12, 2004
OPENING REMARKS FROM THE "LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN"
ON THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK
(Monday, Jan. 5-Friday, Jan. 9)
"Well, it's Friday night at 11:35 and just about now, Britney Spears
should be in Las Vegas marrying some loser."
* * *
"…Did you hear about this Britney Spears thing?...Britney Spears, she
goes to Las Vegas and then they go and they get married, and then like
two or three hours later, the thing is annulled. It's crazy because
she goes there with her, I guess, friend, boyfriend, who knows, and
then the next morning her people had to tell the poor guy that the
marriage is, it's over. Sounds to me like somebody got punk'd."
* * *
"I've been thinking about something, maybe you can help me out with
this. It's kind of a little personal dilemma, maybe you can help me
out. Maybe something like this has happened to you in your life. Maybe
you can help me out. I was wondering: is it too soon to hit on Britney
Spears?"
* * *
"This is why I got into show business, because of stuff like this: out
in Las Vegas, Britney Spears and a guy, I don't know, just a guy, and,
you know, they decided, 'Well, let's get married.' So, they got
married and then they had it annulled almost immediately. And you
know, it's the same old story – everything was great for like the
first ten hours, and then they, they grew apart."
* * *
"Are you still having trouble trying to figure this one out, having
trouble reconciling this? You know what I'm talking about – the
Britney Spears marriage. Now, here's a young woman, very popular,
doing quite well in show business. She goes to Las Vegas and she's
married for like half an hour. It's unbelievable. Listen to this: on
Sunday, they got married and on Monday it was annulled. I'm telling
you, listen to this: the marriage was so brief, they didn't even have
time to finish editing the sex video."
* * *
"You folks hear about – this was great, this is what I love about show
business – the big Britney Spears wedding. Did you hear about this?
Well, here's what happened: she goes to Las Vegas and she's having a
nice time and she's celebrating, and then she and a friend of hers
decide to get married. And they get married on Sunday; Monday it's
annulled. And I feel bad for the guy because, you know, the marriage
was never consummated…The poor guy had to consummate it himself."
"Well, you know, you folks know Saddam Hussein. They've had him in
custody now for about a month and they're grilling him every day. They
go in there and they're interrogating him and they're grilling him,
and he's finally starting to spill his guts, and we're learning more
and more about this guy. Earlier today, Saddam Hussein admitted that
he bet on baseball."
* * *
"Of course, Pete Rose has a brand new book out. How many of you folks
are going to buy and read the Pete Rose book? And Pete confesses a lot
of things in the book – he admits that his hair is not naturally
orange."
* * *
"Here's big news: have you read Pete Rose's book, Pete Rose? How many
of you plan to get around to reading Pete Rose's book? Well, of
course, in the book, Pete Rose confesses, he admits that he bet on
Major League Baseball games, so that's quite a revelation. But that's
not the worst of it: he also admits that several times, he taped the
game without the express written consent of Major League Baseball."
* * *
"How many of you folks have read the new Pete Rose book…? As you know,
Pete Rose was banned from baseball for life. In fact, he's not even
allowed to have himself frozen."
* * *
"Pete [Rose] says that he dated cocktail waitresses, he dated
strippers, he dated groupies – I guess the Hall of Fame was only thing
he couldn't get into."
* * *
"How many of you folks have read the new book by Pete Rose, My Life
Without Bars or I'm in Prison Without Bars or…And in it, of course, he
admits that he bet on baseball and he claims that in one day in the
early 90s, in the early 90s, Pete Rose lost $88,000 – wow. I believe
that was the day he bet that I would get 'The Tonight Show.'"
* * *
"Hey, I'll tell you what I'm excited about: the Mars Rover, the NASA
visit, journey to Mars. Have you folks been following that? It's just
an amazing machine, this Mars Rover. You know what they're doing?
They're sending back high definition full color photos of the
landscape of Mars. They're also analyzing soil samples, and, listen to
this: the third seat folds flat."
* * *
"Are you folks excited about the space probe Mars Rover? The Mars
Rover landed on Mars and it's up there now working and the big
question is, how can Halliburton make money out of this?"
* * *
"But the Mars Rover, they shoot it up into space and here's what
happens: it reenters the Mars atmosphere at about 10,000 miles an
hour, and then they open a parachute and then it drops to the surface
of Mars, and then literally, because of the gravity up there, it
bounces for a few days and then Mission Control has to lift it up off
its belly and onto its legs. It's the same way they got Rush Limbaugh
into rehab."
* * *
"You folks excited about the Mars Rover? President Bush loves it. So
what they do, they launch this thing up there and it's on the surface
of Mars, and President Bush has been watching it every day. He's
thrilled by it. But he promises now that we will only be on Mars for a
few months until they are capable of self-rule."
* * *
"But that Mars Rover is an amazing device. Listen to this: today, the
robotic arm – you know, it digs around on Martian soil – today it
found O.J.'s knife."
* * *
"Are you excited about the big NASA Mars Rover thing? It's crazy,
isn't it? They launch this deal and it goes up and it lands on Mars
and it's unbelievable. I mean, have you seen it? I'm telling you,
ladies and gentlemen, have you ever seen sharper, clearer pictures of
sand?
* * *
"Well, yesterday in California, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger gave his
first State of the State speech, and earlier today, it was rebroadcast
in English."
* * *
"But it was a very successful speech [by Schwarzenegger]. It was
interrupted 27 times by applause and three times to apply body oil."
* * *
"Have you heard about this? President George Bush may have to have
knee surgery, you know? That's right…And I think how he hurt his
knees, he's been praying the Democrats would nominate Howard Dean."
* * *
"I was talking to the audience about this earlier, ladies and
gentlemen, here in New York City – cold. I mean, not just cold; it's
just nasty, bitter, nasty bitter cold – it's God awful, right? So, I
get out of bed this morning and I'm freezing and I'm walking to work
and I see one of those bagel carts and I said, 'Give me one of your
hot, toasted bagels,' and the guy said, 'Shall I wrap it up?' I said,
'No, I'll wear it.'"
* * *
"It's cold here – Did you think it was cold in New York City today?
Listen to this: this is how cold it is up here in New York City. I put
the Christmas tree out on the curb and it dragged itself back into the
house."
* * *
"You folks have a good New Year's Eve? Everybody have a nice
celebration? How many of you went down to Times Square and got beat
up? Every year, I'm like everybody else, I make a lot of New Year's
resolutions, and so far, I've been able to keep my one very important
New Year's resolution – I haven't gotten anyone pregnant."
* * *
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN, a production of Worldwide Pants
Incorporated, is broadcast weeknights (11:35 PM-12:37 AM, ET/PT) on
the CBS Television Network. Maria Pope, Barbara Gaines, Rob Burnett
and Jude Brennan are the executive producers.
* * *
December 29, 2003
OPENING REMARKS FROM THE "LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN"
ON THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK
(Monday, Dec. 22-Friday, Dec. 26)
"But, you've got to be careful because, as you know now, it's a high
alert Christmas. Are you aware of that fact? They bumped it up a
notch; it's a high alert Christmas. Last night, Mom and I duct-taped
our tree."
* * *
"But you know, I'll tell you what's exciting, this is my first
Christmas when I've had a son and he's already given me a lovely gift.
He got me one of those cute little coffee mugs, and printed right
there on the coffee mug, it says 'World's Greatest Grandpa.'"
* * *
"My family is arriving tomorrow which means one thing – I'll be
spending the day in my spider hole."
* * *
"We're learning more and more about Saddam Hussein; in his cell – have
you heard about what he has in his cell now since he's been in
captivity? In the cell of Saddam Hussein, here's what we have: we have
an army cot – he sleeps on an army cot; there is a pitcher of water;
and a photo of George Bush. Coincidentally, that's also my Mom's guest
room at my house."
* * *
"I thought this was interesting: you know, we saw the footage of
[Saddam] being pulled out of the hole and then we saw him having his
mouth inspected and they were checking him for fleas and ticks and
stuff, and apparently now, what happened as he was being apprehended,
as he was being taken into custody, he spit at one of the American
soldiers, and the guy decked him…And I was thinking, well, this is
quite a coincidence because the same thing happened with Martha
Stewart."
* * *
"You heard about this? Saddam Hussein, now that he's been in
captivity, they say now that he's apparently despondent. He is a
broken man. They describe him as a broken man. He sits in his cell all
day staring at a picture of George Bush – this could also describe Al
Gore."
* * *
"By the way, if you're thinking about a gift for Saddam Hussein – how
many of you have him on your list? Well, you can't go wrong with the
Sharper Image turbo nose clipper."
* * *
"Boy, you can tell it's that time of year. I mean, everybody is
excited about the holidays. Everybody is excited about Christmas.
Earlier today out there in Sacramento, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger had
a holiday feel."
* * *
"But here's the great part: I mean, my family is all at my house right
now for the holidays. Everybody is there and it's a lot of fun: La
Toya is there, Jermaine, Tito – they're all there. It's going to be
great."
* * *
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN, a production of Worldwide Pants
Incorporated, is broadcast weeknights (11:35 PM-12:37 AM, ET/PT) on
the CBS Television Network. Maria Pope, Barbara Gaines, Rob Burnett
and Jude Brennan are the executive producers.
* * *
December 22, 2003
OPENING REMARKS FROM THE "LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN"
ON THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK
(Monday, Dec. 15-Friday, Dec. 19)
"And you know by now that Saddam Hussein was captured and he was
living in this like hole, this like six-by-eight foot hole in the
ground and it had a shaft for ventilation. Here in New York City, we
call it the subway."
* * *
"And [Saddam] was dirty; he had not bathed; he had a full, kind of
scraggly, frightening beard; he had a bag full of cash; he was
carrying a pistol; he had several unopened packages of underwear…It's
like I have a twin."
* * *
"But Saddam, he had this long – you've seen the pictures – he had the
long beard, they say he was confused, he was disoriented – it's the
same condition Al Gore was in before he endorsed Howard Dean."
* * *
"It's a strange world, isn't it? When you think about it, it's a
strange world – one day, you're the leader of Iraq; the next day
you're being checked for fleas on Fox News."
* * *
"And it was amazing – it was very surprising because Saddam Hussein
just gave himself up. Just gave himself up – I mean, hell, Michael
Jackson put up more of a fight."
* * *
"And I'm telling you, this guy, [Saddam] was a wreck. I mean, you saw
the pictures and just – and they had to clean him up in a hurry and so
what they did was they gave him an emergency 'Queer' makeover."
* * *
"As you know by now, Saddam Hussein was captured 8:30 Saturday night,
8:30 Saturday night. It's comforting to know that someone had a worse
Saturday night than I did."
* * *
"As the days unfold, we're finding out more and more about Saddam
Hussein and what he had in the hut. It wasn't just a hole. He had a
hole adjacent to a hut. That's pretty nice if you can find it; a lot
of people will either just rent you the hole or the hut, hard to get
them together. But anyway, here's what he had in the hut: he had
unopened packages of underwear, guns, a can of 7-Up and the Paris
Hilton video."
* * *
"They found several pair of Saddam's boxer shorts in the hut – and by
the way, that's as close as we came to finding weapons of mass
destruction."
* * *
"It's interesting, when they first pulled him out of the spider hole,
a term I have not heretofore heard – how many of you folks have heard
of the term 'spider hole'? Makes you wonder about that one guy,
doesn't it? So, anyway, when they first dragged him out, he wouldn't
shut up. He was just talking a mile a minute; of course, he was scared
probably, that's my theory. But they say now that he is defiant – how
can a guy, you pull him out of a hole, how can he possibly be defiant?
He was defiant, uncooperative, they say he was sarcastic – oh, no,
wait a minute, that's how CBS describes me."
* * *
"It was interesting, Mr. Big Shot Saddam Hussein came out with his
hands up. Came out of the hole with his hands up, just gave himself
up, surrendered immediately – hell, Winona Ryder put up more of a
fight."
* * *
"Turning our attention to other news, by the end of the week, they say
now that charges will be filed against Michael Jackson. By the end of
the week, they believe charges will be filed against Michael Jackson.
So, right now, Michael is in Tikrit picking out a hole."
* * *
"You folks still excited about Saddam Hussein being captured? It's not
every day you get to pull a leader of a country out of a hole, you
know. That's pretty exciting. And now they're saying that it looks
like Saddam may have been responsible for the murdering of one million
people. Whoa! But, you know, he's being silly about it – he's blaming
the whole thing on his addiction to painkillers."
* * *
"I thought this was interesting: his daughter – he has a daughter – is
rallying around Saddam and supporting him. Were you aware of this,
that Saddam has three kids? He has the boys, Uday and Qusay, and his
daughter, Uglay…So easy to make fun of the dictators when they've been
pulled out of a hole, isn't it?"
* * *
"They say that Saddam, though, is acting like a jerk and that he still
believes he's president – well, you know, just like Al Gore."
* * *
"I was surprised about the whole thing because Saddam had been very,
very defiant and talked about he was going to be a martyr and they
would never take him alive and then they just pull him out of a hole
and he gives himself up. I mean, my God, Robert Blake put up more of a
fight."
* * *
"This is what I did today: I spent the entire afternoon with my
contractor. How many of you have a contractor you've spent some time
with? It's just awful, isn't it? It's unbelievable – I spent the
entire day with the contractor up at my house. Here's what I'm doing:
I'm putting in my own spider hole."
* * *
"We're learning more and more about the capture of Saddam Hussein. For
example, it turns out that U.S. Forces acted on a tip from Rush
Limbaugh's maid."
* * *
"Are you still excited about Saddam Hussein? Wasn't that thrilling?
Now here's what I like about the capture of Saddam Hussein – it was
the poetic beauty of the whole scenario, because for years and years,
we have been told what a vile, evil rat bastard this guy is. For years
and years, for decades, he's a vile, evil rat bastard, and then, you
know, we pull him out of a hole. It's just perfect. It's just a
wonderful thing. But I tell you who's a little worried about this: the
Democrats. Because, , you know, they were making all kinds of noise
about, 'Yeah, well, what about this,' and suddenly we find Saddam. And
so now, they're really, they've been upstaged. They're struggling for
attention and they don't know what to do. They're desperate. For
example, earlier today, Presidential hopeful Dennis Kucinich asked to
be checked for fleas."
* * *
"By the way, here is an important announcement: this is the last day,
the last day now that you can mail presents, last day that you can
mail presents if you want the Post Office to lose them by Christmas."
* * *
"Also, Sunday – you notice the days getting shorter and shorter? How
many of you noticed that? For example, today it got dark around noon.
Sunday is the shortest day of the year. Sunday is the shortest day of
the year – now the longest day of the year is Christmas with your
relatives."
* * *
"Are you excited about the big 'Lord of the Rings'…What a blockbuster,
and they are huge movies and they make a billion dollars. There's been
three of them now, and in the third and final member of the sequel,
third and final part of the sequel, trilogy, the whole gang, the whole
gang is back. You have Frodo, you have Gandalf, you have Gollum and
the dwarf Gimli, and others – oh, no wait a minute, no, no, those are
the new free agents signed by the Yankees."
* * *
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN, a production of Worldwide Pants
Incorporated, is broadcast weeknights (11:35 PM-12:37 AM, ET/PT) on
the CBS Television Network. Maria Pope, Barbara Gaines, Rob Burnett
and Jude Brennan are the executive producers.
March 8, 2004
OPENING REMARKS FROM THE "LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN"
ON THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK
(Monday, March 1-Friday, March 5)
"You folks have been following the Martha Stewart trial? Now, it's
getting down to – because of the closing arguments and it's
unbelievable. And she presented her closing argument, I guess it was
yesterday or something, and she also presented her favorite low-carb
party snacks."
* * *
"You go down there to the courthouse and every day, Martha Stewart has
a row of celebrities sitting right behind her, and I'm thinking, what
is this – a trial or a Knicks game?"
* * *
"You folks been following the Martha Stewart trial? It's fantastic,
isn't it? This is real life legal drama. How many of you believe
Martha Stewart is innocent? How many of you believe she is guilty? How
many of you believe she should get a fine? How many of you believe she
should do hard time in a federal penitentiary? Wow! Well, anyway,
they're wrapping up the big Martha Stewart trial downtown and the
judge today instructed the jury to ignore fraud charges. Those were
his instructions: he said, 'Ignore the fraud charges, but also always
remember to preheat your oven to 450 degrees."
* * *
"You folks hear about the Martha Stewart trial? Well, you know, the
jury is now deliberating and today they asked the judge to see Martha
Stewart's phone logs and also her recipe for spring squash."
* * *
"How many of you have canceled your vacation in Haiti? You know, the
White House is trying to put the best possible spin on this and
they're saying that President Aristide was not thrown out – he was
just voted off the island."
* * *
"Yesterday, of course, was Super Tuesday and of course, John Kerry won
everything across Super Tuesday, I guess except for Vermont and nobody
cares about that because Howard Dean – so, anyway, but it looks like
John Kerry now will be the Democratic candidate. And I thought this
was surprising...So, George Bush calls John Kerry to congratulate him
on winning the big Super Tuesday and being the Democratic – I'll tell
you, this Bush is shrewd. While he had Kerry on the phone, he also got
a $1,000 campaign contribution out of him."
* * *
"Well, ladies and gentlemen, the Bush campaign for re-election has
officially begun. They are actually running television commercials.
Have you seen any of the new Bush television commercials? Yeah,
they're getting their money's worth, aren't they? In one of the
commercials, you see George W. Bush for 30 seconds. In another
commercial, you get to see George Bush for 60 seconds – kind of like
his stint in the National Guard."
* * *
"Here's good news down there in Arkansas: they've opened the
Presidential, President Clinton, Presidential, you know, museum. And
you can take your entire family on the Clinton tour for like $10. Ten
dollars, you get the Clinton tour – for an extra $5, they'll give you
a tour of Clinton."
* * *
"TBS, the Turner Broadcasting System, is planning – they are going to
have a new 'Gilligan's Island' but it's going to be a reality show.
And so here's what they're doing: they're looking for an actual
millionaire, they're looking for a sexy movie star, they're looking
for a fat guy and a naïve farm girl, and I'm thinking, 'Well, hell,
that's every night at Clinton's house, isn't it?"
* * *
"You folks like news from outer space? The NASA Mars Rover – guess
what? They found evidence of water and salt on the Martian surface.
Yeah, that's astonishing. And they say because of this evidence, they
feel that at one point, Mars actually could have supported
Margaritas."
* * *
"You know, ladies and gentlemen, many of our top stars today are in
jail. It makes me sad when you think about it. They're either in jail
or on their way to jail and there are rumors now that Michael Jackson
apparently is addicted to alcohol and painkillers. Yeah, the very
popular alcohol and painkillers – how many of you enjoy alcohol and
painkillers?...But anyway, Michael Jackson is addicted to painkillers
and alcohol, so I guess he's finally completed the transformation to
Diana Ross."
* * *
"Here in New York City, we are all very, very excited because finally
we get some decent weather. It was a beautiful day. Were you out in
this lovely weather in New York City today? I was strolling through
Central Park earlier today and I saw Mrs. and Mrs. Rosie O'Donnell
walking their pit bull."
* * *
"I was backstage before the show watching television: 'Lord of the
Rings' just won three more Academy Awards – it's still going on,
unbelievable."
* * *
"You folks see the Academy Awards show last night, did you watch it?
I'm telling you, you know, I tried. I turn it on every year, but the
thing is so long and it just wears me out. So, after a while, I went
onto the Internet and watched the Rosie O'Donnell wedding night
video."
* * *
"But, you know, it was exciting because it was the usual Hollywood
circus. That's what I love about it, because in Hollywood, Oscar is
king. And it was the Hollywood circus and you had, out there on the
red carpet, you had Joan Rivers on the red carpet interviewing Jesus."
* * *
"And here's good news for Yankees fans…Joe Torre has agreed to stay
with the Yankees until 2006…In a related story, the Mets have made
their October vacation plans through 2006."
* * *
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN, a production of Worldwide Pants
Incorporated, is broadcast weeknights (11:35 PM-12:37 AM, ET/PT) on
the CBS Television Network. Maria Pope, Barbara Gaines, Rob Burnett
and Jude Brennan are the executive producers.
* * *
QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S 'LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN'
Published: March 15, 2004
(Mondays-Fridays, 12:35 a.m.-1:35 a.m. ET)
3/08/04 ? 3/12/04
"Yesterday Martha Stewart reported to her parole officer and had to
take a mandatory urine test for cocaine and marijuana. Martha was
found to be drug-free and her urine was found to be a lovely
amber-saffron"
"It has been reported that a lot of people who watched "The Soprano's"
were unhappy because they didn't feel enough people were killed.
Coincidentally, people felt the same way about the finale of "Sex and
the City"
"In Los Angeles, police say they have arrested a person suspected of
stealing corpses. Police say the suspect's name is Catherine
Zeta-Jones."
"Yesterday, over 20 members of Iraq's Governing Council made history
by signing a temporary constitution. President Bush says he's thrilled
cause although the constitution isn't perfect, it does ban gay
marriage."
"Yesterday, a public official performed the first marriage between two
gay men in New Jersey. Afterwards, they did something even more
remarkable...they became the first people to ever honeymoon in New
Jersey."
"The other day, in Florida, a food fight broke out at a senior
citizen's home and it got so out of hand that one person got arrested.
Police say they know which senior threw the food cause his teeth were
still attached."
"Yesterday, a judge in Florida ruled that the "Girl's Gone Wild"
videos are not pornography. After hearing this, Max Weinberg demanded
his money back."
"This week the CIA announced that they've asked "Alias" star Jennifer
Garner to tape a CIA recruitment video. Which is fine, but they also
asked Jerry Orbach to look for Osama bin Laden."
"Yesterday, Attorney General John Ashcroft had surgery to have his
gall bladder removed. The doctor said the surgery was difficult
because Ashcroft refused to take his clothes off."
"A high school in England is offering its students a course in
"Elvish," the language spoke in "Lords of the Rings". Not
surprisingly, Elvish has no words for "Girl", "Date" or "Kiss".
"Starbucks announced this week that from now on new Starbuck's
employees will be required to go through 32 hours of training. The
first hour Starbuck's employees learn how to make a cup of coffee,
then the next 31 hours they learn how to charge $4 with a straight
face."
"It's been reported that just after she was convicted, Martha Stewart
called her office to find out who was working and who had taken the
day off. Martha couldn't hear the answer because the office party was
too loud."
"Whenever he travels on his private jet, Michael Jackson orders
Kentucky Fried Chicken for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Not only that,
Jackson insists that the dark meat be bleached white."
"Last night in Miami, Paris Hilton's nipple popped out of her dress at
the American Dance Music Awards. Afterwards, Hilton said she hasn't
been that embarrassed since her nipple popped out at the Emmy's, the
Oscar's and the Heisman Trophy ceremony."
"Former President Clinton said he hopes President Bush and John Kerry
can have a smart rigorous campaign without childish name calling. In
response, President Bush said, "It's okay with me if it's okay with
poopy pants."
"Yesterday, President Bush launched a new wave of attack ads against
John Kerry where he accuses Kerry of being, "Wrong on taxes and wrong
on defense." John Kerry responded with an ad that says, "George W.
Bush: Wrong on all his S.A.T.'s"
"A 96-year-old woman in North Carolina is facing charges of possessing
crack cocaine. Police say the woman could get 30 days or life in
prison, whichever comes first."
"Krispy Kreme Doughnuts announced plans to make a healthier, low-sugar
doughnut. The new doughnut will be marketed under the name, "Crap"
"Yesterday, the California Supreme Court ordered that the city of San
Francisco must stop marrying gay couples. Not because of legal
problems, they're just running out of size 15 heels."
UOTABLES FROM NBC'S ‘LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN'
Published: March 8, 2004
(Mondays-Fridays, 12:35 a.m.-1:35 a.m. ET)
3/01/04 – 3/05/04
"The Super Tuesday Primaries were today, and John Edwards campaigned
across the country repeating his key phrase that "There are two
Americas." Unfortunately for Edwards, neither one voted for him."
"This week, the lawyers investigating Michael Jackson's case seized
about 100 pages of Michael Jackson's personal phone bills. Jackson
says he's worried the phone bills will become public and his brother
Tito will get his number."
"A new study shows that going on the Atkins Diet can turn you into a
crabby person with serious mood swings. On the other hand, the study
says that always happens when you take doughnuts away from a fat
person."
"Yesterday at Harvard University, police broke up an animal rights
protest because five female protesters staged a naked pillow fight. A
spokesperson for Harvard was outraged and said, "We won't rest until
we find out who called the police."
"A new federal report accuses baseball sluggers Barry Bonds and Jason
Giambi of receiving performance enhancing steroids. In a related
story, the Mets are furious because their steroids never arrived.""
"The mayor of a small town in New York faces criminal charges for
illegally performing gay marriages. If convicted, he could face up to
a year in jail, where he will enter into his own gay marriage."
"TBS announced they are developing a reality version of "Gilligan's
Island" that will feature a real-life Skipper, a millionaire, a movie
star and a professor. The winner is the person at home who decides to
watch something else."
"Earlier today, President Bush said that he believes that Senator John
Kerry will be a "tough and hard-charging opponent". Which explains why
Bush's nickname for Kerry is, "Math".
"Earlier today, writer J.K. Rowling said that she may not stop at 7
"Harry Potter" books and she's thinking of writing an 8th book about
Harry as an adult. When asked why, Rowling said, "I realized that
there was still some more money in the world that I don't have yet."
"Yesterday, the jurors at the Martha Stewart trial began deliberating
and the first note they sent the judge was asking if they could have
lunch. Then they sent a second note asking if Martha could make it for
them."
"In an effort to promote healthier living, McDonald's announced they
will stop super-sizing French fries and sodas. The odd part is the
company is still going ahead with their new Bacon Milkshake"
"Survivor" host Jeff Probst announced this week that he made a mistake
on last week's episode and let the wrong tribe win the immunity
challenge. Afterwards he said, "I haven't been this embarrassed since
a guy on the street asked, "Aren't you Jeff Probst?"
"Earlier today, the jury at the Martha Stewart trial reached a
verdict. Martha was found guilty on all charges. In a related story,
there's a huge sale at K-Mart."
"If Martha gets the maximum sentence on all counts, she could serve 20
years in prison. Of course, you have to take into account time off for
good behavior, which means 20 years in prison."
"Yesterday, In Massachusetts, Jessica Simpson angered hundreds of her
fans by walking out on an autograph session. When asked about it,
Simpson said, "You try spelling Jessica."
"In order to promote healthier eating, McDonald's announced they would
stop super-sizing their French fries some time in the next few months.
The decision has already brought some health benefits: fat people are
running to McDonald's."
"Yesterday, more than 800 gay men staged a protest at City Hal in New
York to demand gay marriages. Apparently the protest had to be cut
short when everyone decided to put on a Broadway show."
"According to MSNBC, an employee at NASA's Mission Control announced
that he's bored with his job and has decided to become a porn actor.
The NASA employee said, "What can I say, there's a lot of things I'd
rather probe then Mars."
QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S ‘LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN'
Published: March 1, 2004
(Mondays-Fridays, 12:35 a.m.-1:35 a.m. ET)
2/23/04 – 2/27/04
"In a recent interview, Donald Trump says that even though his catch
phrase on "The Apprentice" is "You're Fired" he's bad at firing people
in real life. Apparently, this is true because Trump's barber is still
working for him."
"Earlier today, President Bush said gay marriage is immoral and
heterosexual marriage must be defended. You can tell Bush is serious
because he said the new axis of evil is: Cher, Bette Midler and Clay
Aiken."
"Earlier this week, consumer activist Ralph Nader announced he would
run for President. When he heard about it, Dennis Kucinich was furious
and said, "He's going to steal my voter away."
"China announced that they are going to open a Disneyland theme park
in Hong Kong. The bad news is they've already eaten Goofy."
"Earlier today, President Bush announced he would support a
constitutional ban that would outlaw gay marriage. Bush said, "It's
wrong for two men to publicly express their love unless they're trying
to get into a fraternity."
"Religious experts who have seen Mel Gibson's movie on the life of
Christ say the film is an accurate portrayal of the last hours of
Jesus. When asked how he got the actor playing Jesus to convey so much
suffering, Gibson said, "I forced him to watch "Lethal Weapon 4."
"Recently, the owner of the California Angels surprised fans by
cutting the price of tickets, souvenirs and food sold at concession
stands. In a related story, George Steinbrenner says he's going to
start charging fans when they think about the Yankees."
"One of the contestants on "American Idol" was arrested this week and
charged with drunk driving after he drove past a police car at 100mph.
The "American Idol" contestant will be sent to court where he will
appear in front of three judges."
"Presidential hopeful John Edwards is being criticized for patting a
wheelchair bound voter on the head. Edwards apologized saying, "I
should have put the bumper sticker somewhere else."
"It was reported today that Mel Gibson's movie about the life of Jesus
pulled in almost $20 million on its first day. In fact, they've sold
so many tickets that Gibson is planning a sequel called "Jesus 2:
Electric Boogaloo"
"Yesterday, the city of Washington D.C. issued a warning that their
drinking water may not be safe to drink. Not only that, President Bush
accused the water of being gay."
"Earlier today, a disturbed man jumped the fence at the White House
and raced across the lawn toward the entrance before being tackled by
security. Not surprisingly, it was Howard Dean."
"Yesterday, Jason Alexander from Seinfeld flew to the Middle East to
try to open up a dialogue between the Israelis and the Palestinians.
It actually worked because Israelis and Palestinians spent the day
asking each other, "What the hell is George Costanza doing here?"
"A new study in England has found that the country is suffering from a
shortage of dentists. The good news is, England is also suffering from
a shortage of teeth."
"Earlier today, a federal judge in the Martha Stewart case shocked the
court by throwing out the most serious charge against Martha. Stewart
was so relieved, she had an assistant burst into tears."
"During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so
friendly to each other that some political experts think they may end
up running together. In fact, Kerry and Edwards were so friendly that
President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage."
"The Academy Awards will start in just 44 hours. Which means, it will
end in 244 hours."
"It's been reported that one of the outfits Clay Aiken wore on
"American Idol" is about to go on display at the North Carolina Museum
of History. It's also been reported that North Carolina is desperately
in need of some history.
QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S 'LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN'
Published: February 23, 2004
(Mondays-Fridays, 12:35 a.m.-1:35 a.m. ET)
2/16/04 ? 2/20/04
"Yesterday, a 27 year old came forth to deny rumors that she had an
affair with democratic front-runner John Kerry. The woman added, "I
would never cheat on Bill Clinton."
"Earlier today, President Bush was scheduled to appear at an event in
Louisiana with hundreds of National Guard troops. Not surprisingly,
Bush said he went but no one can remember him being there."
"This week, the model who was the model on the Gerber baby food jar
turned 77 years old. Not only that, he's back to eating Gerber baby
food."
"Over the weekend in a blockbuster trade, the New York Yankees
acquired superstar Alex Rodriguez. After hearing about this trade, a
group of Red Sox fans said, "We haven't been this depressed in 3
months."
"The other day in Austria, 80 people from around the world took part
in the first ever nude skiing competition. Unfortunately, the winner
was disqualified for using a third pole."
"This week, the New York Yankees acquired Alex Rodriguez with a
contract worth 250 million dollars. Experts say the only other New
Yorker wearing a suit with stripes this fall will be Martha Stewart."
"Today in the Oval Office, President Bush said he's "troubled" by all
the gay weddings that have been going on in San Francisco. Bush says
he's also troubled by Bert and Ernie's relationship on "Sesame
Street".
"Native Americans are angry with the rap group Outkast because they
appeared at the Grammy's wearing feathers and war paint. A spokesman
said, "Outkast not only belittles our heritage, they totally ripped
off Cher."
"It's been reported that E-bay is auctioning off a container of
swimming pool water that Christina Aguilera once swam around in naked.
So far the highest bidder is the Center for Disease Control."
"Yesterday, George Bush backed away from his earlier claim that the
economy will create 2.6 million jobs by saying, "I'm not a
statistician." Then Bush said, "I'm actually an Episcopalian."
"Today the head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying "The time
has come to unite behind one man, one leader, one candidate." Then the
AFL-CIO head added, "Until we find that man, we will endorse John
Kerry."
"It was reported this week that the government of Ireland wants to ban
smoking in all the country's pubs. The today, the Irish parliament
said, "Sorry, when we proposed that we were really drunk."
"In France, a 62 year old man was rushed to the emergency room where
doctors found more than 350 coins in his stomach. Friends say the
worst part was watching him make change for a dollar."
"It was reported today that the advertising firm that was hired to
produce the ads for President Bush's campaign was the firm that came
up with the Taco Bell Chihuahua. Which explains why in the new ads,
President Bush says, "Yo, Quiero another term."
"Howard Dean ended his campaign this week but so far he has refused to
endorse another candidate. As a result, Dean has received thank you
notes from John Kerry and John Edwards."
"It was reported today that a carnivorous South American Piranha was
found in the Thames River in England. Experts say the piranha is the
first creature found in England with all its own teeth."
"Even though CBS has apologized for the group Outkast wearing feathers
and war-paint at the Grammies, some Native Americans are still mad.
Not only that, the Village People are furious."
QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S 'LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN'
Published: February 18, 2004
(Mondays-Fridays, 12:35 a.m.-1:35 a.m. ET)
2/9/04 – 2/13/04
"It's great to be here in Canada...this is the only country in the
world where people come up to me and say 'Man, I thought I was
white!'"
"It's very different here in Canada than in the U.S. For example, here
in Canada, rapper 50 Cent is known as 75 Cent."
"In a new poll, 54% of Canadian teenagers say that they use marijuana.
The other 46% say they grow marijuana."
"Of course, there's a lot going on back in the States. President Bush
is keeping busy. During his recent interview on 'Meet The Press'
President Bush said, 'I don't think America can stand by and hope for
the best from a madman.' The weird thing is that he was talking about
Don Cherry."
"As I said earlier, it's great to be here in Toronto which by the way,
has become one of the most popular spots in the world for gay men to
get married. Which makes sense because your city's most famous symbol
is an 1800-foot penis."
"I don't know if you're applauding or just warming your hands."
"It's good to be here in Canada and I'm learning a lot. Up here in
Canada, you guys refer to Wayne Gretzky as 'The Great One.' My
nickname in Canada is: 'The Guy Who Insisted On Coming Here.'"
"Everybody read the Toronto Sun today? They had a big story about the
NASA rover. Due to the success of the Rover, other countries are
considering exploring Mars. When asked about Mars, a Canadian
spokesperson said, 'If we want to visit an icy, desolate place, we'll
go to Winnipeg.'"
"Yesterday, the producers of the Academy Awards said they will
consider cutting away from Oscar winners' speeches unless they are
interesting and wholesome. As a result, the show will be 9 minutes
long."
"Of course, you can't do a monologue in Canada without mentioning
Celine Dion. It's been reported that when Celine Dion's mic went out
at the Grammy Awards she started swearing at the crew in French. When
asked about it, a guy on the crew said, 'Hey, we're just glad she
didn't sing at us.'"
"Everyone has been so nice to us here in Toronto. In fact, last night
Premier Dalton McGuinty even mentioned us on the news. He said,
'Thanks to Conan O'Brien we've never been so proud not to be
American.'"
"Earlier today, the Canadian government reintroduced a bill that calls
for the decriminalizing of marijuana. When asked why they're
introducing the bill a second time, the pro-marijuana politicians
said, 'What?'"
"According to the Toronto Sun, while our show's been in town, business
at the neighborhood Tim Horton's doughnut shop has increased by 500%.
And that's just from LaBamba."
"I found out today that it's legal for women to sunbathe topless here
in Toronto. Which explains why I keep hearing the phrase, 'Check out
the chick with the blue rack.'"
"According to the local papers, some of the fans waiting in line to
see our show have been spotted smoking joints. When asked why, a fan
said, "We want Conan to be funny whether he's funny or not.'"
"You've shown terrific hospitality, but it's time for me to get back
to my wife and baby in New York. But don't worry: I'll come back soon
to visit my wife and baby in Toronto."
"This week a group of Canadian doctors said that people need to drink
3 liters of fluids a day and the doctors said it's OK if some of those
fluids are beer. The Canadian doctors say LaBatt's is a good choice,
or if you prefer water, drink Budweiser."
QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S 'LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN'
Published: February 18, 2004
(Mondays-Fridays, 12:35 a.m.-1:35 a.m. ET)
2/9/04 – 2/13/04
"It's great to be here in Canada...this is the only country in the
world where people come up to me and say 'Man, I thought I was
white!'"
"It's very different here in Canada than in the U.S. For example, here
in Canada, rapper 50 Cent is known as 75 Cent."
"In a new poll, 54% of Canadian teenagers say that they use marijuana.
The other 46% say they grow marijuana."
"Of course, there's a lot going on back in the States. President Bush
is keeping busy. During his recent interview on 'Meet The Press'
President Bush said, 'I don't think America can stand by and hope for
the best from a madman.' The weird thing is that he was talking about
Don Cherry."
"As I said earlier, it's great to be here in Toronto which by the way,
has become one of the most popular spots in the world for gay men to
get married. Which makes sense because your city's most famous symbol
is an 1800-foot penis."
"I don't know if you're applauding or just warming your hands."
"It's good to be here in Canada and I'm learning a lot. Up here in
Canada, you guys refer to Wayne Gretzky as 'The Great One.' My
nickname in Canada is: 'The Guy Who Insisted On Coming Here.'"
"Everybody read the Toronto Sun today? They had a big story about the
NASA rover. Due to the success of the Rover, other countries are
considering exploring Mars. When asked about Mars, a Canadian
spokesperson said, 'If we want to visit an icy, desolate place, we'll
go to Winnipeg.'"
"Yesterday, the producers of the Academy Awards said they will
consider cutting away from Oscar winners' speeches unless they are
interesting and wholesome. As a result, the show will be 9 minutes
long."
"Of course, you can't do a monologue in Canada without mentioning
Celine Dion. It's been reported that when Celine Dion's mic went out
at the Grammy Awards she started swearing at the crew in French. When
asked about it, a guy on the crew said, 'Hey, we're just glad she
didn't sing at us.'"
"Everyone has been so nice to us here in Toronto. In fact, last night
Premier Dalton McGuinty even mentioned us on the news. He said,
'Thanks to Conan O'Brien we've never been so proud not to be
American.'"
"Earlier today, the Canadian government reintroduced a bill that calls
for the decriminalizing of marijuana. When asked why they're
introducing the bill a second time, the pro-marijuana politicians
said, 'What?'"
"According to the Toronto Sun, while our show's been in town, business
at the neighborhood Tim Horton's doughnut shop has increased by 500%.
And that's just from LaBamba."
"I found out today that it's legal for women to sunbathe topless here
in Toronto. Which explains why I keep hearing the phrase, 'Check out
the chick with the blue rack.'"
"According to the local papers, some of the fans waiting in line to
see our show have been spotted smoking joints. When asked why, a fan
said, "We want Conan to be funny whether he's funny or not.'"
"You've shown terrific hospitality, but it's time for me to get back
to my wife and baby in New York. But don't worry: I'll come back soon
to visit my wife and baby in Toronto."
"This week a group of Canadian doctors said that people need to drink
3 liters of fluids a day and the doctors said it's OK if some of those
fluids are beer. The Canadian doctors say LaBatt's is a good choice,
or if you prefer water, drink Budweiser."
QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S 'LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN'
Published: February 9, 2004
(Mondays-Fridays, 12:35 a.m.-1:35 a.m. ET)
2/2/04 ? 2/6/04
"Today, Janet Jackson issued a statement apologizing for showing her
breast at the Super Bowl. Not only that, Michael Jackson issued a
statement asking, "What's a breast?"
"Yesterday, Al Sharpton campaigned in South Carolina and friends say
he got angry when he drove past a house and saw a jockey statue in the
front lawn. Then the statue moved and he realized it was Denis
Kuchinich"
"Yesterday on the campaign trail, former General Wesley Clark brought
on stage a man who saved his life in Vietnam. The stunt may have
backfired on Clark because the man was John Kerry."
"The A&E Network has launched a reality show called "The Airline,"
that takes place onboard a real plane. Apparently the show is really
good, but it always starts 2 hours late."
"Earlier today, California First Lady Maria Shriver announced that she
has decided to quit her job as an NBC reporter. Shriver said she quit
her job so she can devote all her time to figuring out what the hell
her husband is saying."
"Yesterday after performing poorly in the primaries, Senator Joe
Lieberman decided to drop out of the race. When asked about it,
Lieberman said, :I knew I was in trouble when the Jewish guy in North
Dakota didn't vote for me."
"To prevent another scandal like the one during the Super bowl
halftime show, The Grammy's will be broadcast with a 5-minute delay
this year. That way they'll be able to edit out anything offensive
like cursing, nudity, or a song by Clay Aiken."
"The Aquarium where Keiko the Killer Whale used to live announced they
are going to hold a memorial service for the recently deceased "Free
Willy" star. In lieu of flowers, people are being asked to bring
wasabi and soy sauce."
"Some NBC affiliates say they will not broadcast tomorrow's episode of
"ER" because it features an elderly woman's nude breasts. Today an NBC
official said, "Don't worry, you won't see anything because we're
shooting above the navel."
"This week on "The View", Star Jones told the audience that she
recently took a class on how to be a pole dancer. As a result, the
pole has been hospitalized and is in critical condition."
"This week, both John Kerry and Wesley Clark are making campaign
appearances with the men who saved their lives in Vietnam. Meanwhile,
President Bush plans to campaign with a man who once took a math test
for him."
"Yesterday, Justin Timberlake said that his parents were embarrassed
after the Super Bowl Half-time show. Then, Timberlake admitted that
his parents were embarrassed before the Super Bowl Half-time show.
"Today, weather forecasters confirmed that last month was one of the
coldest months in the history of New York City. It must have been cold
because when Janet Jackson was here she put an eye out."
"In a recent interview, First Lady Laura Bush said that the Janet
Jackson breast incident bothered her very much. The First Lady said,
"I think it's unfortunate that children and the President had to see
that."
"Earlier tonight on "Dateline NBC", David Gest took off his pants and
showed Stone Philips bruises her claimed were caused by his former
wife Liza Minnelli. Apparently Liza was shocked, and said, "He never
took off his pants around me."
"This week, John Edwards got caught trying to bring a pocketknife
through airport security and Wesley Clark's motorcade got stopped for
speeding in Oklahoma. In a related story, Howard Dean can't get
arrested."
"Yesterday, the key witness in the Martha Stewart trial testified that
Martha is "nasty, rude and arrogant." When he heard this, Martha's
lawyer immediately jumped to his feet and said, "Duh!"
QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S ‘LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN'
Published: January 28, 2004
(Mondays-Fridays, 12:35 a.m.-1:35 a.m. ET)
1/19/04 – 1/23/04
"George Foreman says his George Foreman grills are selling so well in
London, they've become the best selling appliance in the history of
England. Not surprisingly, the worst selling appliance in the history
of England is the electric toothbrush."
"It's been reported that a woman who was once Playboy Magazine's Miss
November has come out of the closet and revealed she's a lesbian.
Apparently, it was pretty obvious since her list of turn-ons included
"Miss October".
"Political experts say that during last night's Democratic
Presidential Debate nobody stood out and nobody made any big mistakes.
In a related story...nobody watched."
"Last night during the Democratic Presidential Debate, Howard Dean
started off by apologizing to the crowd for having a cold. The, John
Kerry apologized for once having a cold while serving his country in
Vietnam."
"According to the New York Post, Jennifer Lopez Broke up with Ben
Affleck because she was tired of him partying with other women. When
asked about it, Affleck said, "I feel like the second biggest ass in
the world."
"ABC has announced that the next installment of "The Bachelor" will
feature the backup quarterback for the New York Giants. The producers
said they were going to pick the Giants 1st string quarterback, but
he's already starring in "The Bachelorette."
"It's been reported that an Israeli rabbi has composed a prayer to
help devout Jews overcome guilt after they download Internet porn.
When asked about it, the rabbi said, "Saying the prayer is better than
the alternative: Not looking at Internet porn."
"Last night at the Iowa Caucus, Howard Dean came in a disappointing
third place. Afterwards, Dean said, "Iowa is behind me. Mow I'm
looking forward to going to New Hampshire and screaming at voters
there."
"Yesterday in the Iowa Caucuses, democratic candidate Dennis Kucinich
got only 1 percent of the vote. Kucinich knew he was in trouble when
he saw a sign that said, "You must be this tall to win the Iowa
Caucuses."
"It's been reported that due to his trial, Michael Jackson has moved
out of Neverland. Apparently, on the advice of his lawyers, Michael
has moved to a place called "Never-Happened-Land"
"While most TV Channels were covering President Bush's State of the
Union Address, the Cartoon Network aired "Pokemon". But don't worry,
President Bush has TIVO."
QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S ‘LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN'
Published: January 21, 2004
(Mondays-Fridays, 12:35 a.m.-1:35 a.m. ET)
1/12/04 – 1/16/04
"Today's paper pointed out that there are only 6 days left before
Democrats face off in the Iowa Caucus. Which means there are only 7
days left until we can go back to completely ignoring Iowa."
"During the most recent Democratic debate Howard Dean admitted that
during his 11 years as Vermont's governor he didn't appoint a single
black person to his cabinet. Dean says he would have, but during those
11 years, he didn't see a single black person in Vermont."
"In a new interview, actress Liv Tyler said that she didn't wear any
underwear while filming "Lord if the Rings". In a related story,
thousands of geeks heads just exploded."
"According to FOX News, Michael Jackson has accumulated so much debt,
this week he had to borrow $70 million from his friends. Which was
extremely difficult because most of Michael's friends make their money
from selling lemonade."
"In a new interview, Uma Thurman says that when she wants to lose
weight she keeps her food intake down by eating in the nude. Actually,
I tried that once, but I was kicked out of Denny's."
"According to a new survey about the Democratic voters, Most of Howard
Dean's support comes from urban voters and most of Wesley Clark's
support comes from rural voters. The survey also reveals that most of
Dennis Kuchinich's support comes from his family."
"Rosie O'Donnell announced that she's closing the Broadway musical she
produced that stars Boy George. Critics say that Rosie has achieved
the impossible: a musical that was "too gay for Broadway".
"This week, John McEnroe revealed that his trainers secretly gave him
horse steroids throughout his professional career. McEnroe says he
wasn't aware of it until he broke his ankle and his trainer tried to
shoot him."
"Yesterday, President Bush announced plans to create a permanent lunar
space station. The President was quoted as saying, "If the lunar space
station works out then we'll build one on the moon."
"Earlier today, Carol Moseley Braun announced that she was dropping
out of the race for democratic presidential nomination. Braun said she
was dropping out because "I don't want to be remembered as the person
who stopped Dennis Kuchinich from finishing last."
"According to a new study, most Americans under 25 get their
information about politics from the Internet. Which may explain why
the democratic front-runner is
"Senator-you-can-add-inches-to-your-penis."
"According to the latest polls, the race in Iowa between John Kerry,
Howard Dean and Dick Gephardt could end in a three-way tie. Political
experts say there hasn't been a three-way in politics since Bill
Clinton."
"Weather forecasters say with the wind chill, temperature in New York
City could reach 20 below zero. To give you an idea of how cold that
is, at this temperature, Andy Rooney's breasts are perky."
"According to the New York Post, this week, "Lord of the Rings" Elijah
Wood was spotted in a strip club. After hearing about it, "Lord of the
Rings" fans said, "Now that we know he's seen naked women, he's even
more of a hero."
"Michael Jackson was arraigned in a California court today, and
afterward, he got up on top of a car and did some dance steps for his
fans. Apparently, Michael had to stop because his brother Tito yelled,
"Quit dancing on top of my house."
"In a recent interview, John McEnroe said that during his tennis
career he unknowingly took horse steroids for several years. McEnroe
became suspicious when he lost the US Open but won the Kentucky
Derby."
QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S ‘LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN'
Published: December 30, 2003
(Mondays-Fridays, 12:35 a.m.-1:35 a.m. ET)
12/15/03 – 12/19/03
"Yesterday, Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi denied that he had weapons
of mass destruction, saying, "We have not these weapons." In response,
President Bush said, "OH yes have you."
"Michael Jackson had a party this weekend and one of the guests was MC
Hammer. Not surprisingly, Hammer came as Michael Jackson's Ghost of
Christmas Future."
"It's our last show before Christmas. We're going to close up for a
few days just as soon as we can get Joe Namath away from the
mistletoe."
"Over the weekend, the new "Lord of the Rings" made 240 million
dollars worldwide. Thousands of loyal hobbit fans were jammed outside
movie theatres and police had to use girls to maintain order."
"It's the day after Christmas. You know what that means: You can
finally take off your ugly reindeer sweaters."
"According to a new medical study, frequent marijuana use slows down
sperm. The study also reveals that Snoop Dogg won't reach orgasm 'til
the year 2098."
"According to the White House, so far this year President Bush has
logged over 100,000 miles on Air Force One. Even more impressive,
President Bush has logged over 200,000 hours on PlayStation Two."
"It was reported today that MTV is planning to launch an all-gay cable
network. Coincidentally, one of their shows will also be called
"Malcolm in the Middle."
"Today is the first day of Kwanzaa. For those of you who don't know,
Kwanzaa is an African-American holiday, which began in the late 20th
century to celebrate Michael Jackson becoming white."
QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S 'LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN'
Published: December 23, 2003
(Mondays-Fridays, 12:35 a.m.-1:35 a.m. ET)
12/15/03 – 12/19/03
"It's been reported that Saddam was found in a six-foot by eight foot
hole that was covered with garbage and infested with mice and spiders.
Experts say that in New York an apartment like that would cost $3000 a
month"
"Officials say that when they tried to question Saddam Hussein he was
"smug, curt and often sarcastic". Later Saddam apologized and said he
was just doing his impression of Donald Rumsfeld."
"Yesterday, Democratic candidate Howard Dean was going to make a major
speech on foreign policy but because of Saddam Hussein's capture he
had to change his speech dramatically. In fact, the title of the new
speech was, "Oh Crap".
"It was reported that a graduate student in Michigan announced that
after 8 years of searching, his computer has discovered the longest
prime number in history. Not surprisingly, the student has yet to
discover a girl's phone number."
"Over the weekend, Keiko, the killer whale who starred in the "Free
Willy" movies, passed away in the waters off of Finland. As a result,
Keiko will be starring in a new movie called, "Free Sushi".
"Military authorities say that when they caught Saddam, he had more
than $750,000. When he heard this, President Bush immediately invited
Saddam to a fund-raising dinner."
"It was reported that the CIA is planning to use different
psychological tricks when interrogating Saddam Hussein. In fact, this
morning, Ashton Kutcher was sent in to tell him he's been "Punk'd"
"According to a new study from the University of Massachusetts,
chronic overeating can lead to blindness. The study also reveals that
chronic overdrinking can lead to sleeping with a chronic over-eater."
"This week, ads started running for an Australian sperm bank that
promises young men a 2 week vacation if they'll make a sperm donation.
Not surprisingly, the same deal is currently being offered by Clay
Aiken."
"Yesterday, a judge ruled that John Hinckley, the man who tried to
assassinate former President Ronald Reagan, can visit his parents
without supervision. The ruling was strongly protested by the Reagan
family and by John Hinckley's parents."
"According to a new survey, more men do their holiday shopping on the
Internet than women do. Which means on Christmas morning all across
the country women will be saying, "Oh, how sweet, the Paris Hilton
video."
"Earlier today, President Bush received two MRI's on his knees because
he may have injured them jogging. When told he needed the MRI's, the
President said, "You don't have to spell everything for me."
"It was reported today that Saddam Hussein says if he were to run for
president in Iraq today, he would win. Actually, I don't think Saddam
would win because earlier today he was endorsed by Al Gore."
"According to a new study, almost half of all workers say they've
hooked up with a co-worker at their office Christmas party. Our
Christmas party was last night, and I'd just like to say to Al Roker,
"No, means, No".
"Yesterday, Michael Jackson announced that contrary to reports he is
not joining the Nation of Islam. Michael was quoted as saying, "I'm
sorry, I thought Islam had something to do with llamas."
"It was reported this week that the NFL has fined New Orleans Saints
receiver Joe Horn $30,000 for pulling out a cell phone and making a
call in the end zone. Not only that, Horn had to pay another $5,000 in
roaming charges."
"This week at a trade show, Sony unveiled a robot they've developed
that can jog like a human being. Apparently the robot is so human
because although it can jog, it prefers to sit on its ass and eat
nachos."
"Yesterday, prosecutors accused Michael Jackson of giving a young boy
wine and showing him pictures of naked women. When told about it, Demi
Moore said, "I'm in big trouble."
QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S 'LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN'
Published: December 17, 2003
(Mondays-Fridays, 12:35 a.m.-1:35 a.m. ET)
12/08/03 – 12/12/03
"On Monday, funk music legend George Clinton was arrested for cocaine
possession. Friends say this is the first time Clinton has ever been
arrested for cocaine possession on a Monday."
"Yesterday, President Bush signed a new bill that will overhaul
Medicare. Afterwards, the President called the bill the "greatest
victory for America's seniors since "Jag" moved to Friday nights."
"Earlier today, President Bush met with the Premier of China.
Apparently the Chinese Premier asked Bush to loosen trade restrictions
and Bush asked the Premier of he was Jackie Chan."
"This week, ABC will air an interview with Michael Jackson's parents.
Apparently during the interview, Jackson's parents not only insist
that Michael is innocent, they also insist he's adopted."
"Earlier today, Al Gore endorsed Presidential Candidate Howard Dean
instead of endorsing former running mate Joe Lieberman. When asked
why, Gore said, "I could never endorse Lieberman, he supported Al
Gore."
"During last night's debate, Howard Dean was the only candidate to
raise his hand when Ted Koppel asked how many candidates think Howard
Dean can beat President Bush. Meanwhile, all 8 candidates raised their
hands when Ted Koppel said, "Who thinks I have the worst comb-over
ever?"
"According to the New York Times, a retired admiral of the U.S. Navy
recently announced that he's gay. Not surprisingly, it was a rear
admiral."
"General Motors announced plans to come out with a new version of
their Hummer SUV that will get better gas mileage. The company says
the H3 Hummer is aimed at environmentally conscious men with small
penises."
"In a new interview, Britney Spears was asked to explain her new video
with Madonna and Britney insisted that, "there's no lesbian vibe going
on." After hearing this a spokesperson for every man on the planet
said, "Well, thanks for ruining it."
"A publishing company announced that it's coming out with a new bible
for teenagers. You can tell the bible is for teenagers because at one
point, Moses tells the Pharaoh, "We are so out of here."
"Trista and Ryan from "The Bachelorette" got married last night, and
it was watched by 17 million people on ABC. Some people say the
wedding couple may not be very bright because they actually hired a
guy to videotape it."
"Last night at the Billboard Music Awards, Clay Aiken won the award
for best single. Not only that, Ruben Studdard won the award for best
new singing group."
"It was reported that a Filipino housewife sliced off her husband's
penis in a jealous rage because he received a call from another woman
on his cell phone. And the worst part is, the woman who called had the
wrong number."
"This week in Washington, President Bush attended a concert given by
the newly reformed Iraqi Symphony Orchestra. It was a lovely night of
classical music until President Bush asked them to play the theme to
Bonanza."
"This week the Pentagon announced that only the countries that
supported the US in the war on Iraq can participate in rebuilding
Iraq. Among the eligible countries: England, Spain and
Halliburton-stan."
"According to USA Today, Philadelphia has launched an ad campaign to
attract gay tourists. Apparently the campaign features the slogan,
"Check out the crack on the Liberty Bell."
"According to the White House, this year President Bush will send out
1.5 million Christmas cards. Not surprisingly, 1 million of the
President's cards will start with the line, "Dear Santa."
"This week in Germany, hundreds of people who were supposed to receive
a church video about the true meaning of Christmas were accidentally
sent hard core porno videos instead. The distributor said it was an
honest mistake because both films took place in a manger with a lot of
animals."
"A publishing company announced that it is coming out with a brand new
Bible for teenagers. You can tell that Bible is geared for teenagers
because at one point, David "totally wails on" Goliath."
"This week, a liberal group that calls themselves "Babes Against Bush"
released a nude calendar. Which may sound sexy, but Miss December is
Madeleine Albright."
QUOTABLES AND HIGHLIGHTS FROM 'SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S' 'WEEKEND UPDATE
WITH JIMMY FALLON & TINA FEY'-- 03/13/04
Published: March 15, 2004
"Weekend Update" co-anchor TINA FEY: The 25 members of Iraq's
Governing Council signed a landmark interim constitution Monday.
Officials say it's the first constitution in history to end with the
words, "Here Goes Nothing!"
"Weekend Update" co-anchor JIMMY FALLON: Singer David Crosby was
arrested in New York after hotel workers found an ounce of pot, a
knife and a .45 caliber handgun in his room after he checked out. Man.
What did he remember to take with him?"
FALLON: The first same sex couple in New Jersey was married Monday in
Asbury Park. Really. In all of New Jersey, the gay dudes had to get
married in a place called Ass-bury Park. C'mon!"
FEY: DirecTV has filed suit against OJ Simpson accusing him of
pirating its satellite television signal. In an unrelated story,
DirecTV has been stabbed to death."
FALLON: Starting this month, all employees at Starbucks' North
American stores will be required to complete four hours of new
training. The course is called, "How Not to Talk to Your Friend When
There Are 20 People Waiting in Line, Dammit!"
FALLON: A 52-year-old man in Kenya said to have gone 10 years without
taking a bath was grabbed by villagers, tied up and forcibly washed
down. The question is, what was Mickey Rourke doing in Kenya in the
first place?"
"Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow."
QUOTABLES AND HIGHLIGHTS FROM 'SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S' 'WEEKEND UPDATE
WITH JIMMY FALLON & TINA FEY'-- 03/06/04
Published: March 8, 2004
"Weekend Update" co-anchor TINA FEY: "Martha Stewart was convicted
of all four counts against her and if she receives the maximum
penalty, she could serve up to twenty years in prison. But don't feel
too bad for Martha because she wouldn't feel too bad for you.
Stewart's lead attorney said his client would appeal. Especially to
the bigger girls."'
"Weekend Update" co-anchor FALLON: "'The Passion of the Christ' was
the number one movie at the box office, earning $117 million dollars
since its opening last Wednesday. What's more, I hear Jesus is now
dating J. Lo. The movie's financial success is bad news for Jews and
good news for Jews."
FALLON: "It was reported that at an Oscar after-party Paris Hilton was
seen making out with her sex video co-star Rick Solomon. Apparently,
she signed a two-picture deal."
FEY: "A Texas man, still drunk from four days of partying, broke into
an airplane hangar, stole two planes, flying one into a power line.
Thus finally fulfilling his commitment to the Texas Air National
Guard."
FEY: "Attorney General John Ashcroft was admitted Thursday to the
intensive care unit of a Washington hospital for gallstone
pancreatitis. While he's there, doctors may also try to remove the
stick from his butt."
FEY: "A new study says that people on the Atkins Diet are more prone
to mood swings. Either that, or I am a bitch."
FALLON: "An arrest warrant has been issued for Wesley Snipes after
allegations surfaced that he fathered a child with a woman in a
Chicago crack house four years ago. Advantage: Snipes. Your move,
Bobby Brown."
FEY: "A federal judge has ruled that gay high school students in
Lubbock, Texas can be barred from meeting on campus. As a result, the
gay students will have to meet where they always do: in the Drama
Club."
FALLON: "An Iowa paramedic was fired after he allegedly grabbed a dead
woman by the breast and yelled, 'Honk! Honk!' which is very offensive.
If you want to show a woman the proper respect, you have to go
'Aaa-ooo-gaaa! Aaa-ooo-gaaa!'"
"Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow."
QUOTABLES AND HIGHLIGHTS FROM 'SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S' 'WEEKEND UPDATE
WITH JIMMY FALLON & TINA FEY' -- 02/21/04
Published: February 23, 2004
"Weekend Update" co-anchor JIMMY FALLON: "Howard Dean announced an
end to his Democratic presidential bid on Wednesday. Meanwhile, Dennis
Kucinich is dropping out so he can appear on the next episode of "The
Littlest Groom."'
FALLON: "A new line of T-shirts for women has been introduced based on
'Sex and the City' that feature the words 'I'm a Carrie, 'I'm a
Miranda,' 'I'm a Charlotte' and 'I'm a Samantha.' Women who purchase
all four get a free fifth shirt: 'I'm a Moron.'"
"Weekend Update" co-anchor TINA FEY: "On tomorrow's 'Meet The Press,'
Green Party leader Ralph Nader will announce whether he will sit out
the 2004 election or enter the race, causing George Bush to win by
three votes. I think I speak for everyone when I say, 'Stay home,
Nerd.' You're the reason we're in this K-hole to begin with."
FALLON: "Sources say that when Mattel decided to give Barbie a new
boyfriend, they originally wanted to make him non-white. Sadly, the
plan was nixed by KKK Ken."
FEY: "Starting March 29th, Ireland will ban smoking in public places,
including offices and pubs. The smoothly because the Irish are known
for their easy-going tempers and respect for authority."
FEY: "Polaroid is warning customers not to listen to the lyrics in
OutKast's hit song 'Hey Ya,' that tells people to 'shake it like a
Polaroid picture,' because the could actually ruin the pictures. While
in a related story, Bacardi is warning shortys to be responsible and
to sip Bacardi like it's dey birfday."
FALLON: "With the help of 2 friends and 30,000 dollars, a Vietnamese
farmer fulfilled a dream he had of making his own helicopter from
scratch. He then immediately fulfilled his other dream: dying in a
fiery helicopter crash."
FALLON: "This week Georgia's Board of Education approved a plan that
allows teachers to use the word 'evolution' when teaching biology.
Though as a compromise, dinosaurs and now called 'Jesus Horses.'
FEY: "A controversial new discipline policy at Lawrence Middle School
in New Jersey, is limiting students to just 15 bathroom breaks a
month. Plus one additional bathroom break if you need to give birth to
your baby."
FEY: "PETA has invited 500 students to participate in a giant nude
protest in Harvard Square, under the banner 'Fur: Out, Love: In."
Although with 500 PETA girls there, I bet there will still be a fair
amount of fur."
"Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow."
QUOTABLES AND HIGHLIGHTS FROM 'SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S' 'WEEKEND UPDATE
WITH JIMMY FALLON & TINA FEY'
Published: February 19, 2004
CO-ANCHOR TINA FEY: "Cartoon character Cathy finally got engaged to
her boyfriend in today's Valentine edition of her strip. While Marcy
and Peppermint Patty are moving to Massachusetts."
CO-ANCHOR JIMMY FALLON: "An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had
an affair with a young woman. When asked if this is similar to the
Clinton/Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said, "Close, but no cigar."
FALLON: "A researcher in Seattle has developed a mathematical formula
to predict the outcome of any marriage. And here it is: X...plus
Jennifer Lopez...equals zero."
FEY: "A US born panda name Hua Mei will soon be returned to its
ancestral homeland of China. Where it is expected to be delicious."
FEY: Because of the friction between the US and Brazil, it was
announced that a float at this year's Carnivale will be a 12-foot
sculpture of Uncle Sam with his pants down and his genitals in plain
sight. Or as Bill Clinton calls it, "business casual."
FEY: "According to a report by the New York City Council, not enough
pharmacies are stocking the "morning after" pill despite a law
requiring them to carry it. And at the pharmacies that do carry it,
I'd appreciate a little less attitude."
FALLON: "Michael McGuire, a prisoner in Nebraska, escaped from a
hospital by using a fake gun he made out of toilet paper. The plan
turned tragic however when he used a real gun to wipe himself."
"Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow."
QUOTABLES AND HIGHLIGHTS FROM 'SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S' 'WEEKEND UPDATE
WITH JIMMY FALLON & TINA FEY'
Published: February 11, 2004
02/07/04
CO-ANCHOR TINA FEY: "President Bush on Friday chose 7 people to
investigate his administration's intelligence failures in Iraq. When
questioned whether his hand picked appointees could be impartial,
President Bush responded, "I'm sure Slim, Bugeye, Button Down, Hot
Rod, Shorty, Flap Jack and Kool-Aid will be completely impartial."
FEY: "Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said Wednesday that he still
believes they will find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. These
statements used to make me angry, but now I just feel kind of sad,
like the way I feel when Linus waits for the Great Pumpkin."
FEY: "After a poor showing in Tuesday's primaries, Senator Joe
Lieberman ended his presidential bid Tuesday night, explaining, "Feh!"
It was a disappointing primary season for Lieberman, but on the plus
side, his campaign was long, quiet, and depressing enough to qualify
as a Jewish holiday. Lieberman said he has no immediate plans for his
political future and instead will return to his regular job, playing
the dad on ALF."
CO-ANCHOR JIMMY FALLON: "Justin Timberlake is reportedly upset with
Janet Jackson over the Super bowl Halftime show incident, saying that
he was told her breast would never be in full view. But is it really
so shocking that a member of the Jackson family took advantage of a
young boy?"
FEY: "The Massachusetts decision on gay marriage may prove to be a
decisive issue in the upcoming presidential election. President Bush
is likely torn, because he has to protect what he sees as a sacred
institution, and yet he knows gay marriage would boost the economy.
Cause you know those gay guys would go all out. We're talking designer
wedding cakes. $20,000 sleeveless tuxedoes. Giant naked man ice
sculptures that pee mojitos. They'd hire Patti LaBelle as the band,
give out African parrots as party gifts. It would be ridiculous. So
remember, whatever your political beliefs, a vote to allow gay
marriage is a vote for a fabulous economy."
FEY: "The White House Tuesday defended President Bush against
democratic accusations that he was absent without leave from the Texas
Air National Guard in the 1970's. A spokesman labeled the claims
"shameful" and the "worst of election year politics" and "completely
true."
FALLON: "Janet Jackson's Breast popped out of it's hole, saw it's
shadow, and now we'll have six more weeks of overreaction."
FEY: "Fox is developing a new reality dating series called, "Playing
it Straight," in which a female contestant will date 14 bachelors,
some of whom are gay and some are straight. The show was originally
called, "The Tina Fey College Experience."
FEY: "In an interview with Dateline NBC, David Gest, who claims Liza
Minnelli beat him, says he has received 80 shots of Botox in his head
to deaden the pain. So that explains him, but who's been beating up
Meg Ryan?"
FALLON: "A troupe of break dancers performed at the Vatican last week
for Pope John Paul II. Or, as he now prefers to be called, Pope John
Paul Two: Electric Boogaloo."
"Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow."
QUOTABLES FROM SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH JIMMY
FALLON AND TINA FEY FOR JANUARY 17, 2004
Published: January 20, 2004
"Weekend Update" Co-Anchor TINA FEY: "Michael Jackson appeared in
court Friday to plead innocent to child molestation charges.
Apparently the only way his handlers could get him there was by
telling him he had won 'Child Molester of the Millenium Award.'"
"Weekend Update" Co-Anchor JIMMY FALLON: "According to 'Magnificent
Majestick,' Michael Jackson's personal magician, the purpose of
Michael's recent meetings with the Nation of Islam is to ensure that
nobody is taking advantage of him financially. So don't worry,
everyone -- Michael Jackson's personal magician is ensuring that
nobody is taking advantage of him financially."
FALLON: "NBC said Monday that 'Frasier' will be ending this May after
11 seasons. 11 super-gay seasons. It was reported that after the show
leaves the air, Kelsey Grammer may join the cast of "The Producers."
Grammer will be playing the role of Frasier Crane."
FEY: "President Bush on Wednesday outlined his ambitious vision for
exploring outer space that includes plans to put a man on Mars. That
man: Howard Dean."
FEY: "A new restaurant in Australia is opening called Lewinsky's,
inspired by former White House intern Monica Lewinsky. Eat there once,
pay for it the rest of your life."
FEY: "CBS announced that it will not air MoveOn.org's winning
anti-Bush ad during the Super Bowl, saying that they don't air
so-called 'issue ads.' Unless the issue is that girls are sluts for
beer."
FEY: "American celebrities have been coming out of the woodwork in
recent weeks offering endorsements of the various Democratic hopefuls.
Here's where celebrities line up. These are all real by the way.
-Madonna has thrown her endorsement to General Wesley Clark because he
said the word 'kabballah' once.
- Gephardt has been backed by Aaron Sorkin and Michael Douglas. No
surprise there -- Gephardt has always been the candidate of choice for
crackheads and aging sex addicts.
-Here's one, Ashton Kutcher has endorsed John Edwards. So if you're
overwhelmed, you feel this next election is a crucial one in American
history, say to yourself, 'What does that guy from That 70's Show
think?'
Who are you going to vote for Jimmy?"
FALLON: "I don't know. I like 'Romancing the Stone' so maybe Gephardt.
I don't know, I think I'm just going to play it cool and wait to see
who Frankie Muniz endorses."
FEY: "According to researchers, sex benefits the heart, burns
calories, reduces depression, boosts immunity and releases
pain-reducing endorphins. But most importantly, it makes boys like
you."
FALLON: "Nearly two weeks after landing on Mars, the Spirit Rover
finally rolled off its lander Thursday and journeyed 10 feet onto the
surface of the planet. So let's see: it wakes up, rolls off a
platform, moves ten feet and calls it a day. Apparently the rover has
been programmed to mimic the movements of Star Jones."
"Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow"
QUOTABLES AND HIGHLIGHTS FROM 'SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S' 'WEEKEND UPDATE
WITH JIMMY FALLON & TINA FEY'
Published: January 12, 2004
01/10/04
CO-ANCHOR TINA FEY: This week, Secretary of State Colin Powell
admitted that there is no direct link between Saddam Hussein and Al
Qaeda. So let that be a lesson, world leaders: if you have no direct
link to Al Qaeda, we will get you.
FEY: Steve Irwin drew criticism this week when he held his month-old
son in his arm while hand feeding a chicken to a crocodile. Not to be
outdone, Michael Jackson tossed Blanket into a shark tank.
CO-ANCHOR JIMMY FALLON: On Friday, President Bush announced details of
his plan to send a man to the moon. Bush told reporters that to
guarantee the success of the mission: 'We will only send the
astronauts up when it's a full moon.'
FALLON: Last week, Britney Spears married Jason Alexander. In a
related story, Christina Aguilera 69'ed Newman.
FEY: Insiders say that Spears' weekend marriage to her friend was the
result of a prank that went too far. But honestly, what marriage
isn't?
FEY: Madonna has announced that she's backing Democratic Presidential
candidate Wesley Clark. This should give Clark a much-needed boost in
the Puerto Rican back-up dancer vote.
FALLON: Former Senator Bill Bradley of New Jersey endorsed Howard Dean
for president this week. Bradley said he's endorsing Dean because they
share many of the same qualities. For example, neck fat.
FALLON: Portland Brewing Company has released a new beer called
'Governator,' which they say is a tribute to California Governor
Arnold Schwarzenegger. The beer is made from ingredients that are in
no way qualified to be in a beer.
FEY: A Florida man announced plans to open the world's first Christian
nudist colony. The resort's motto will be 'Jesus...Look At Those
Jugs!'
FEY: Lawyers for David Gest charged that Liza Minelli has a medical
'condition' that she hid from her former husband. David, a vagina is
not a 'condition.'
FEY: Actress Kate Hudson gave birth to a baby boy in Los Angeles on
Wednesday, finally bringing to an end her 29-month pregnancy.
FEY: A seven year old boy in Sheboygan, Wisconsin had to be rescued by
a locksmith this past weekend after getting stuck in a supermarket toy
machine. And so begins Michael Jackson's most recent letter to
Penthouse.
FALLON: The New York City Animal Control Department is giving the much
maligned pit bull a public-relations makeover by renaming them New
Yorkies. So remember, it's a New Yorkie, not a pit bull that's eating
your child's face.
Good Night And Have A Pleasant Tomorrow.
QUOTABLES AND HIGHLIGHTS FROM 'SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S' 'WEEKEND UPDATE
WITH JIMMY FALLON & TINA FEY'
Published: December 16, 2003
CO-ANCHORJIMMY FALLON: "Al Gore this week officially endorsed Howard
Dean for president. The news was extremely disappointing to Joe
Lieberman, and to Howard Dean."
FALLON: "Last Sunday marked the 62nd anniversary of the Japanese
attack on Pearl Harbor. President Bush marked the occasion with a
White House ceremony while the Bush twins marked the occasion by
downing 8 kamikazes."
CO-ANCHOR TINA FEY: "The Catholic Archdiocese of Boston has mortgaged
its Cathedral to finance a nearly 90 million dollar settlement with
victims of clergy sexual abuse. The Archdiocese said, "I know that
seems like a lot of money...but it was worth it."
FEY: "It was announced Tuesday that Queen Elizabeth will undergo
surgery to remove torn cartilage from her left knee. And then, it's
look out WNBA!"
FALLON: "Ashton Kutcher says he is ending his series Punk'd. More bad
news for anyone disappointed by this-you're a moron."
FEY: "E! is reporting that Britney Spears has developed a habit of
throwing up in club bathrooms after drinking. All part of the
mysterious teachings of ...the Kaballah!"
FEY: "After being charged with battery, Bobby Brown surrendered to
police. Brown said he was sorry for hitting his wife Whitney Houston,
saying, "but, damn, woman, you just don't disrespect a man's sandwich
like that!"
FEY: "President Bush this week reiterated his decision to award
lucrative Iraq rebuilding contracts only to countries who participated
in the war. Bush said, "Friendly coalition folks risked their lives,
and therefore the contracting is going to reflect that." That's right.
We should reward the brave American businessmen and businesswomen who
fought so hard to free Iraq from evil. Let us not forget the brave
Halliburton executives that stormed Baghdad , guns at the ready. Or
the fearless Nextel CFO who threw himself on a grenade yelling, "Win
this for Democracy!" Or the brave platoon of Goldman-Sachs bond
traders who patrol the dark alleys of Tikrit rooting out insurgents.
Yes, it is these men who deserve the spoils. And it is these men who
shall get them! So go screw yourselves, French and German
businessmen-American businessmen are the true heroes!"
FALLON: "Two high schools in Portland, Oregon have banned pacifiers
over concerns over the drug Ecstasy. Though perhaps a more effective
measure would be to ban Ecstasy."
"Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow."
QUOTABLES FROM CNBC'S 'DENNIS MILLER' -- WEEK OF MARCH 8-12, 2004
Published: March 12, 2004
"A Virginia Judge sentenced DC sniper John Allen Muhammed to death.
Muhammed will be killed with an AK-47 rifle, shot 13 times over a
three-week period."
"The Archdiocese of Boston is planning to close several churches, in
part because of financial troubles. Those scheduled for closure were
not named, but will be identifiable by the large "Going Out of
Pedophilia" signs."
"DirecTV is accusing O.J. Simpson of illegally pirating its satellite
signal. Simpson's lawyers denounced the accusation, saying the
wire-cutters and splicers were actually for a murder."
"Kerry promised supporters in Florida that this election, the
Democrats will win the state. Kerry's big secret weapon: Not being Al
Gore."
"Howard Dean endorsed Kerry today. ...Dean is expected to bring along
his grass roots network, which at this point is just literally roots
of grass."
"The Senate Commerce Committee has approved a measure to increase the
fine for indecent programming to $500,000. Great. There goes my new
sit-com, "The Articulate Vagina.'"
"John Kerry also met with members of the Congressional Black Caucus on
Wednesday. The 45-minute meeting was to discuss the automatic
commonality between the country's African-American citizens and
apparently any Ivy League educated white male from a wealthy family
who isn't George Bush."
"Police in Miami say they have been secretly monitoring hip-hop stars
while visiting that city, supposedly for their own protection.
However, when pressed on the matter by reporters, police described the
whole thing as 'a big misunderstizzle.'"
"The California Supreme Court ordered a stop to all gay marriages in
San Francisco Thursday. ... What a bad week for lesbians: First
McDonald's ends super-sizing, and now this."
"Susan Lindauer, a former Congressional aide, was charged Thursday
with being a paid Iraqi intelligence agent. Authorities were tipped
off when bank records revealed several deposits of 1,000 feeble goats
at a time."
QUOTABLES FROM CNBC'S 'DENNIS MILLER'
Published: February 20, 2004
Week of February 16-20, 2004:
"John Kerry's spokesman announced today that Kerry plans to keep his
Senate seat while he pursues the Democratic nomination, saying that
special interests paid for a whole term, and they're damn sure going
to get a whole term."
"In Louisiana today, President Bush met with members of the National
Guard and thanked them for their service. However, Democrats are
insisting there isn't adequate proof of the visit."
"A close look at the proposed federal budget reveals that much of the
spending is earmarked for pet projects in legislators' home states.
Good, because I'd hate to think our tax dollars are all going toward
education and defense when Delaware needs a Rhubarb museum."
"Gay and lesbian couples lined up in the rain outside San Francisco's
city hall to be married today. After being married, the pairs were
treated just like any other young couple in San Francisco, and were
completely priced out of the housing market."
"Telecommunications giant Cingular has purchased AT&T's wireless
division. The complicated multi-billion dollar transaction was done by
simply pushing the number 12 on the list of voice prompts."
"And Alex Rodriguez joined the New York Yankees on Tuesday. In this
case, vertical stripes made his wallet look fatter."
"A-Rod's introduction was overshadowed by the Yankees' announcement
that they had reversed the aging process, and were thawing out Ted
Williams to play left.
"John Kerry was endorsed by the AFL-CIO today. Oddly enough, the
endorsement came from an outsourced spokesman in Calcutta."
"France and Germany are now saying that U.N. approval is needed before
the reconstruction of Iraq can proceed. The two nations then went on
to criticize the U.S for also not obtaining Security Council approval
from a then non-existent U.N. before liberating France and rescuing
the Germans from Hitler."
"Martha Stewart's friend of 20 years, Mariana Pasternak, provided
damaging testimony in the case on Thursday... Stewart's attorney
strenuously objected to Pasternak's testimony, on the grounds Martha
has no close friends."
QUOTABLES FROM CNBC'S 'DENNIS MILLER'
Published: February 13, 2004
Week of February 9-13, 2004:
"A letter seized in Iraq shows that Osama Bin Laden needs to do more
recruiting. It says the problem is that many first-time Al Qaeda
recruits do not return to the group after their first suicide
bombing."
"Singer Diana Ross was convicted of driving under the influence of
alcohol on Monday, and was sentenced to two days in jail. ...Two days
in jail? Hmm, by my calculations, that's about 56 costume changes."
"Hoping to put to rest speculation about President Bush's National
Guard service during the Vietnam War, the White House on Tuesday
released positive proof of his military service: a Polaroid photograph
from 1972 of George with a short, crew-cut. No guy, who didn't
absolutely have to, had a crew cut in 1972."
"FCC Chairman Michael Powell told a Congressional committee today that
the Super Bowl halftime show was a 'new low' for prime time
television. The old low, of course, was an episode of "Murder She
Wrote" where Angela Lansbury made out with Tom Bosley."
"[John] Kerry is now scrambling to clear up his position on gay
marriage. Apparently, he supports it, but not between the lead and the
understudy of a Broadway musical."
"Vermont Senator Jim Jeffords came out in favor of the highway
spending bill, saying, 'It's about jobs. Jobs, jobs, jobs.' Upon
hearing Jeffords, the entire country of Mexico broke out in cheers."
"United Nations inspectors have found evidence that Iran had a secret
nuclear weapons program. The proof was discovered during Iran's
top-rated game show, 'Camel, Not a Camel."
"Barbie and Ken are breaking up, ending their 43-year relationship.
Court records show the two are citing irreconcilable pelvic
similarities."
QUOTABLES FROM CNBC'S 'DENNIS MILLER'
Published: February 6, 2004
"On Monday, President Bush said he will form a bi-partisan committee
to fully investigate possible intelligence failures in Iraq. In order
for the panel to have credibility with the American people, it will be
chaired by American Idol's Ruben Studdard."
"Shaquille O'Neal was suspended for a game after using obscene
language in a televised interview this week. Adding to the fallout,
CBS fired three executives for letting another network beat them to an
obscene event."
"John Edwards, who was born in South Carolina, won the primary in
South Carolina. ... Edwards' next move will be to try to convince
Democrats that he was born in California."
"After losses in all seven primaries, Senator Joe Lieberman formally
announced that he is quitting the race. ... The Senator called his
decision difficult, but realistic. Raising the age-old question, if a
candidate falls in the campaign and no one is there to hear it, does
he make a sound?"
"Filmmaker Spike Lee described [Janet] Jackson's breast-baring stunt
as a "new low" in celebrities' search for fame and money. Lee then
announced he was going to sue the spike through Janet's nipple for
infringing on his brand name."
"The Massachusetts Supreme Court legalized gay marriage Wednesday. The
ruling was applauded by gay rights groups, civil liberties groups, and
the catering industry."
"Representatives of the music industry said they would like to put all
the bad publicity from the Super Bowl incident behind them and go back
to simply indicting nine-year-old girls for file sharing."
"In light of the recent ricin scare, both the House and the Senate are
considering banning all unsolicited mail from constituents. So if you
want to contact your elected representatives, just wire money directly
into their accounts."
"CIA Director George Tenet conceded on Thursday that there were gaps
in his agency's intelligence on Iraq. Tenet would not admit exactly
how big the gaps were, but did say they were enough for him to bow to
political pressure and say there were gaps."
QUOTABLES FROM CNBC'S 'DENNIS MILLER'
Published: February 2, 2004
Week of January 26-30, 2004:
"In an effort to soften his image, Howard Dean and his wife did an
interview with Diane Sawyer. The interview got off to a rough start
when Dean unleashed a blast of fire from his nostrils, burning off all
of Diane's hair."
"The Kobe Bryant case continued in Eagle, Colorado this week, with
many fans wondering if he's guilty because he didn't jump up on an SUV
and dance for a crowd of media-seeking idiots."
"CBS is refusing to air a Super Bowl ad from MoveOn.org, saying the
spot violates it advocacy policy. MoveOn.org then compared CBS to
Hitler, Mussolini, Hirohito, Pol Pot, Stalin, Idi Amin, David Koresh,
and Jim Jones."
"On "The Today Show" this morning, Howard Dean said what Washington
needs is somebody who's going to stand up and say what they think.
Okay, Governor. Sit down and shut up."
"On Monday, jury selection in the Martha Stewart stock fraud case was
completed, with the judge overruling Stewart's angry personal
objection to the woman wearing a pleather skirt being referred to as
her 'peer.'"
"The manufacturers of impotence drug Cialis claim it can treat the
problem for 36 hours straight. Great, so you can have sex for 12
minutes and then spend the next day and a half playing ring toss with
yourself."
"John Kerry won the New Hampshire primary with 39% of the vote. So
almost every third Democrat in one of the country's least populous
states gave Kerry the nod because they either liked Kerry's message or
got a free cup of hot cocoa. Sounds like a mandate to me."
"Joe Lieberman, despite finishing fifth in the New Hampshire primary,
has vowed to continue campaigning. Asked why, Lieberman says he is the
only Democratic mainstream candidate who can lose with dignity."
"John Kerry's campaign vehemently denied today that the Senator has
had Botox injections. However, they did admit he takes regular doses
of gaunt."
"Dennis Kucinich's luck went from bad to worse when a New Hampshire
newspaper printed an article about his intent to stay in the race on
the obituary page. The editor of the paper apologized, saying it was,
'a happy accident.'"
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