14 March 2008 - Frank Caliendo, Cheryl Hines, The Bad Plus
Jimmy Is:
Ready for it, after doing our taxes.
Introduction:
Hookers are doing well. Spitzer may have used campaign money
for his prostitute, but did get her vote. Hillary Clinton shrew.
Pentagon admits: no links between Saddam Hussein to Al Quaeda. The
re****t: ``Oops, Our Bad.'' An increasing number of Mexicans are
sneaking into the country by boat; the trouble is getting the boat over
the fence. Old people are incompetent. Soon marijuana will cover over
6,000 acres of public land, and the Grand Canyon is slowly filling with
tequila. An Arkansas woman gave birth to her 17th child; she wants
more. Her vagina got up and left the room.
New US Stamps:
Animals With Poor Defense Systems. Turtle that grows a bread
shell. Chameleon that changes into a baked potato. Fish that squirts
tartar sauce.
Bush's Nicknames for World Leaders: Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad -
Danger Beard. Israel's Ehud Olmert - Bagel Face. China's Hu Xin Tao -
Jackie Chan.
Irish-Catholic Kama Sutra: Missionary. Missionary with bathroom
lights on. Missionary in other twin bed.
This may be disturbing to young girls but Conan really enjoyed
it: Disney Princesses Without Makeup. Ariel. Belle (cobweb on her
jugular vein). Cinderella (Danny Devito, Conan says; I'd say Allen
Sherman).
Celebrity Members of Blue Man Group. Ted Kennedy. Wow. (He
looks like a comic book supervillain.) Barbara Walters. Hurley from
Lost.
Minor Health Problems of Major Religious Figures. Moses with
cold sore. Jesus with asthma. Vishnu with Obsessive-Compulsive
Disorder.
Other Things Elliot Spitzer Spent $4300 On. Used Mazda Miata.
Faberge egg. Two hours with Mike Ditka.
Famous People Visiting Places With The Same Name. Joe Montana
in Montana. Denzel Wa****ngton in Wa****ntgon. George W Bush is dumb.
Frank Caliendo:
He can't impersonate Conan, does Andy all right. His Conan
turns out Jay Leno. And Mike Tyson. Ted Koppel blends with John
Madden. Terry Bradshaw to George Bush to Chris Rock. Why was Bush in
town? You can't go anywhere when he's around. His head bounces with
the TelePrompTer. ``Honesty is the best way ... to tell the truth.
Pistachio.''
Too lazy to prepare impersonations of candidates. Also Barack
and The Rock have the same voice, it appears. John Madden doesn't like
the impression. ``I don't like Hollywood people. I shoulda been
Shrek.'' Caliendo tries getting a hook into people's personalities; he
hypothesizes Al Pacino no longer grasps reality.
Cheryl Hines:
Conan got a haircut today. People keep coming to her with
things obscurely connected to the show. People think Conan will make a
sketch about dropping a can of peaches in the store. A microphone
rumbles. You can't play poker with Teri Hatcher. Her movie's poker
tournament was won by the person who actually won the tournament they
played.
The Bad Plus:
Something instrumental and quite pleasant. If I bought music
I'd buy stuff like this.
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