26 February 2008 - Will Ferrell, Ra****da Jones, Fred Simmons
Jimmy:
Has a new hat.
Introduction:
Cleveland's boring. Obama offered role in Big Momma's House 3.
Ralph Nader loser. Starbucks introduced $1 coffee; you have to buy it
at Dunkin' Donuts. Newark sucks. Pfizer's pulling Robert Jarvik ads as
Jarvik isn't licensed to practice medicine. Scandal must scare Dr
Scholl. Britney Spears's family idiots. Gary Coleman's weird married
life.
+ Dr Scholl's is named for company founder William Matthias
Scholl, a podiatrist who graduated from the Illinois Medical School in
1904.
Leap Day is Friday, get stoked! Still in the ``Febs''!
Recalibrate and celebrate! It's nice to keep in mind! Next leap day
2012, when the Mayan calendar predicts the destruction of mankind!
+ The Mayan calendar predicts no such thing, but its current
cycle does end in December 2012 (the exact date is disputed). Either
way, the next leap day is on this side of the cycle.
State Quarters: Texas, guns. Ohio, 11th-most-im****tant
presidential debate. Vermont, syrup vat drowning leader. New York,
Hillary Clinton a shrew. Mississippi, dumb. (Calls computer a ``word
tv''.) Kentucky, 4 1/2 pipes from Crystal Meth Weekly. Florida, ready
to screw up 2008 election. North Dakota, ``Wait, the quarter caption
was due today?'' Alaska, #1 in Eskimo ****. Alabama, #2 in Eskimo
****.
Will Ferrell:
Valentine's Day he dresses like Cupid and shoots arrows. He
has, shockingly, a s****ts movie set in the 70s coming out. He shows
defensive moves which unpredictably prove to be vaguely ***ual moves set
to Sweet Georgia Brown.
Ferrell shows off his pale thighs. Ferrell's the worst
celebrity autograph of Autograph magazine. He has a hook left-hand.
Woody Harrelson and Ferrell played basketball in their underwear. The
movie clip almost gets to Andy Richter's character.
Ra****da Jones:
Irish citizen. Conan in the sun. Farrelly brothers movie makes
Ferrell uncomfortable. She was bit, when ten, by Michael Jackson's
chimpanzee Bubbles, and has a scar. Her father worked with Michael
Jackson a lot, and Bubbles grabbed something, and her sister urged her
to open it and take it back, and Bubbles started throwing stuff. Books,
tapes, Rubik's Cube.
Fred Simmons:
King of the Tae Kwan Do demo. He fusses over cameras to talk
into. North Carolina. Disses Ferrell. Where is his Mecca? He didn't
see the web site chyron. He does a demo, with reasonable physical
humor. Simmons wants do-overs.
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