Thorrablot is a festival in Iceland where one may eat Hákarl (putrified
shark) and Hrútspungur (ram's scrotum with test1cles).
The so-called white rhino is actually a wide-lipped rhino. The
Dutch/Afrikaans word for "wide" is pronounced "wite" and was assumed into
English as "white". The so-called black rhino was just named that as a
distinction.
The Monophysitists were condemned by other Monotheists at the Council of
Chalcedon.
Pierre Robert: it's both a triple-creme cheese and a longtime Philadelphia
rock radio DJ.
England is only one of two European countries to have no official minority
language (if you discount the attempts to re-introduce Cornish). The other
country is ****tugal.
Safeway at one point owned 19 fluid milk plants, 16 produce packaging
plants, 16 bakeries, 16 ice cream plants, 12 meat cutting and aging
plants,
6 egg candling plants, 4 soft drink bottling plants, 3 meat processing
plants, 3 coffee roasting plants, 2 jam and jelly plants, an edible oil
refinery, a soap plant, and a dressing and salad oil plant.
MONITOR SPLATTERS:
> There isn't any $5000 nookie. There are $5000 johns.
They better include a bidet, a plasma TV, high-quality toilet tissue and a
dude at the sink offering paper towels, mouthwash and aftershave
They mingled slowly, stiffly, repeating the word "entertains!".
Suddenly I'm picturing Monty Python and the Laws of Thermodynamics. "Come
and see the inefficiency inherent in the system!"
See what happens when responsible voters don't spay or neuter their
politicians?
I've never cooked with Velveeta before, but my husband is from Indiana, so
I decided to do a little culinary ethnography.
Why do I picture Woody Allen stumbling around, OD'd on a placebo?
I'm sorry. I thought it was the outhouse.
MOTTOS:
Thermodynamics is a *****.
I don't want to know the truth. I want my Social Security check.
I couldn't stand by and let him insult you like that. That's my job.
I have no idea, but that won't prevent me from talking out of my ass.
Forward Together to Further the Glorious People's Revolution is fine for a
while, but eventually people want the white picket fence.
This might scare me if I understood it.
"Sodomy soothes sore throats"
Happy Drug Day!
ANTI-MOTTOS:
To be fair, I have not tried this. It is theoretically possible that I am
wrong.
I shall risk Jill's wrath and just make a correction due to a brain fart.
Never mind. I am stupid.
SEMI-MOTTOS:
Your hand-wave factoid is doubtful.
So laid back he's almost laid out.
I don't NEED comfy. I need intimidating.
What a great night (except for the blood, maybe)!
I don't know when s****ts became religion exactly. I could go on, but
somebody is here with the collection plate for the March Madness brackets.
It does seem to violate one of the basic principles of our nation: Don't
Take My Money. Wait, no, I mean the other one: No Taxation without
Representation.
At least put a "ding dong" on the end of it.
Backward looks. Sentence that man.
BAND NAMES:
Tungsten Arc
The Same Difference
THE CONFESSIONS OF AFCA:
I'm losing track of the difference between the Socialist Party and the
Socialist Labor Party. Follow the gourd!
I used to tell people I was descended from a long line of Shakers, but no
one ever called my bluff.
I've never been able to see the big deal in carrying on the family name.
It's not like it comes with the family estate, complete with a castle and
manor lands and serfs and whatnot. It's just what people call you when
they want to get your attention.
I'm a social scientist. I build *theories* from coconuts and palm
fronds...
I still have PTSD from answer: "e) none of the above".
I have never seen "Titanic". I think everyone who has seen "Titanic" is
an
idiot. I think anyone who saw "Titanic" and enjoyed it should be
consigned
to the lowest depths of hell. But if one day I see "Titanic" and enjoy
it...then it's fine.
To me, a drive of an hour or more is a chance to pick out a Mahler CD. Two
hours gets Puccini. More than three gets Wagner.
Until I became pregnant, I could scratch anywhere on my back. Babyhaving
stole flexibility from me.
We used [ditchweed marijuana] as camouflage in ROTC camp at Fort Riley
until the tac officers caught on.
My entire oeuvre is other songs.
I woke up, with a nasty start, in the middle of the night so that my
subconscious (nitpicker that it is) could point out that I had confused
Silk City Valencia, a lace-weight rayon tape, with Classic Elite Avignon,
a
DK-weight pima cotton and tussah silk yarn.
My mind is blank; everyone says so.
BOASTS OF THE WEEK:
I'm a 30th Degree Adept at tying stuff in the truck down.
GOALS, CREDOS, AFFIRMATIONS AND PONY REQUESTS:
I believe in flexible cubits.
My two cl***** in Old Icelandic finally paid off. I knew they'd come
through.
I plan on going over there and sliming them. Once I finish eating this
pile
of dirt.
I'm just waiting for the Fed to lower interest rates until they'll pay me
to take the money.
I may abandon channel surfing entirely and only watch shows I actually
want
to watch, thereby undermining one of the foundations of modern culture.
When you're done can I borrow the time machine? I wanna go back and nail
Myrna Loy.
I've decided I don't want any belly-button lint in my wine.
QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK:
If you *have* to have a religion, why not pick one of the fun ones that
doesn't think *** is bad?
Can you forgo the Darren?
Suitable throne for the AntiChrist, don't you think?
Who else is dead that I don't know about?
So how DID that bottle of 2009 Merlot taste?
If you're ****ing a melon, are you really concerned about hygiene?
If you have a nostril piercing and you blow your nose, is there a
significant risk of stuff not going in the desired direction?
People who don't like racism are attacking her because she's white?
Are you often attacked by your electrical appliances?
It looks sort of not quite like a bear, but maybe it's a wolf or a dog?
With a hula hoop?
Does Dr. Pepper keep you from turning into a werewolf?
Does anybody know how effective Brita filters are at vodka, in terms of
the
amount of vodka you can run through a filter before it stops having any
appreciable effect, or do I need to spend forty bucks on Brita filters and
do some science?
To make an orange dye, 3 parts of red dye are mixed with 2 parts of yellow
dye. To make a green dye, 2 parts of blue dye are mixed with 1 part of
yellow dye. If equal amounts of green and orange are mixed, what is the
pro****tion of yellow dye in the new mixture?
Quick: who'd you rather date: Ann Coulter or Lynndie England?
You caught the clap from Madonna?
ANSWERS OF THE WEEK:
>then why doesn't the sun appear blue?
Zoloft and weekly therapy.
> A little pointless, doncha think, to pick out the ramblings of a bloke
> who's mistaken his official position for a licence to spout garbage?
We've sort of gotten used to it over here. I'm surprised it's not the
same for you.
> I know all the words, too.
Really? Even pneumismatic? Gribble? Transconductance? Fnarr? Argle-bargle?
Wiadomosci?
>Why were you talking to a nun?
The minister and the rabbi had already gone into the bar.
> Does any Dylan song have a tune?
Oh yes. And when somebody else covers the song, you get to find out what
it
is.
ADVICE OF THE WEEK:
Immediately after a root canal is not the ideal time to explain string
theory to a dentist.
I don't seem to be getting any of that euphoria that's listed as a side-
effect.
There's a bandwagon here and you ain't on it.
[...]you might even get free epaulets and scrambled eggs for your hat if
you join now!
AFCA COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT:
I'm really tired of seeing how closely monitored every aspect of our lives
has become [...] it's enough to make me look for Gilligan's island and
hide
out, except there's probably a hidden mike in the coconut.
Peter and I just share the same likes and dislikes. We like soccer and
dislike you.
And the one day I need it is the *one day* they've closed to move to
larger
premises next door.
I really disliked the book. I hated every single character (except maybe
the parrot.)
Stop being a Smart As!
AFCA DEBATE TEAM TOPICS:
"Creamer" is an abomination before the Lord.
About the only place worse than Slough is Swansea on a wet Sunday
afternoon
when the pubs are closed.
Well, here's the salient difficulty with "From each according to his
ability, to each according to his needs": You end up with 'most everyone
having needs, and hardly anyone having abilities.
DEBATE TEAM TOPICS ASSIGNED TO THE "SUICIDE SQUAD":
I think that Britney Spears and Slipknot are not only the best artists to
emerge in the last ten years, but perhaps in the history of music.
SAY WHA'?
Thank heavens I'm atheist
ALMOND JOY GOT NUTS, MOUNDS DON'T:
Seattle is about halfway between Vancouver and Vancouver.
The performances were recorded live for values of "live" that include
"dead".
BRUSH-OFF LINE OF THE WEEK:
"I'm sorry, but I have to floss my cat."
OUR FAR-FLUNG CORRESPONDENTS RE****T:
My family has the books-on-tape Battlefield Earth as read by Roddy
McDowell. It's been given as a Christmas gift at least three or four times
now. I was the first victim, and the following year I gave it to the
brother of the cousin who'd given it to me. We might be safe, though. I
think it landed on the slow-witted cousin, who may have actually taken it
out of the cellophane.
My niece in Cuba asked me to send her a brand-name pair of jeans a few
years ago. When I checked out the ones she wanted they were in the $300+
price range. These people are eating steak made out of marinated rags and
she wants a $300+ pair of jeans.
Every single surviving person from my stepdad's unit in Vietnam is on some
form of government disability. His doctor apparently shrugs and says "it
must've been the agent orange."
When I was a tiny kid--maybe three--the pizza place we'd pick up from had
a
"king-size" pizza and a "giant-sized" pizza, with the "king-sized" being
the largest they made. Offended my sense of rightness; even at three I
knew
giants were bigger than kings.
Let me tell you, a 1974 Dodge Dart does not smell pleasant when you've
dropped your son and his friend off for a poolside barbecue party and the
little punks forgot to take their freezer-wrapped ground beef with them
and
it sat in the car, thawing in the Louisiana sun, and eventually bleeding
into the crevices and fabric of the back seat.
New Brunswick, NJ can rival anywhere in the world for the size of roaches.
The first night I was in my apartment the summer after my freshman year of
college, we killed a cockroach that was three inches long. *Three inches*
long. We chased it, stomped on it, hit it with a dictionary and he just
kept kept on truckin'. We finally had to knife it.
I remember talking a few years back with someone whose son had a higher
GPA
and higher SAT than I did. Say 3.7 and 1440. He was worried about getting
into Arizona State. In my day, ASU was somewhere below "safety school"
down
in "if the unthinkable happens."
I haven't read any Tolkien since 1956.
I feel that Wales has a greater number of road signs than the population
and sheep.
So he gave me some "chronic pain" medication that also, as a bonus, treats
depression, while causing "thoughts of suicide and enraged homicidal
tendencies in adolescents and young adults" according to the insert
warning. (Fun With Pills - that's what I call it - I want to slip some to
an unstable 14 year old and see what happens).
A FOAF in the hotel industry claims that, on average, **** films rented in
hotels are turned off (heh-heh) after six minutes.
Jehovah checked into the unit yesterday. He's a drug addict, an alcoholic
and he hears voices. Explains a lot, if you think about it.
The only famous patient we had in the place where I was treated was
Superman. The police brought him in, having found him standing on the
tracks of Euston station in front of the trains. The story he told me was
that he was practising stopping trains by allowing them to crash into him,
and he showed me the scars on his forearms to prove it. While they were
waiting for a second psychiatrist to arrive in order to fill out the
paperwork required for compulsory detention, he attached himself to the
family of one of the other patients who was being released that day, and
just walked out as if he was part of that family.
NATIONAL HEALTH SERVICE HANDOUT OR MONTY PYTHON SKETCH OF THE WEEK:
"HOW TO NOT EAT SALTY FOODS (English)" (KWV12-491/2A-2006)
JUST BEGGING TO BE TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT:
A woman down the hall has a little toy that I'd like to have.
I've been told that powder is the stuff to get.
high quality screws come straight and are custom bent after purchase
I have to consciously remember not to start gently gnawing on it.
HAIKU OF THE WEEK/AN OCCASIONAL FEATURE/OF THE SUMMARY:
in spring of new year
otaku loses spears' bloom
tabloids weep softly
THE AFCA HOMELAND SECURITY DEPARTMENT WANTS *YOU!* TO BE ALERT FOR:
the sick, the dead, the sad, and the cut
WORDS AND PHRASES:
fovea
pelmeni
Bobogam
phoughs
eigencat
hobbiest
demonymize
hopenetized
floss theory
boiling bacon
raccoon hooker
chicken scandal
inflatable dunnage
mechanical buggery
non-slurpee pop
wand of expulsion
kitty-litter boxing
alcohol-induced communism
the trifecta of ignominy
white bread and casserole eating denomination
WORDS AND PHRASES, NEEDLECRAFTS DEPARTMENT:
hardangar
huck weaving
inkle weaving
broderie Anglais
SABLE (Stash Acquired Beyond Life Expectancy)
AFCA HONORARY UMSCRIBES:
Arthur C. Clarke
Anthony Minghela
Paul Scofield
THE FORMERLY NEW FINE PRINT (v. 1.2) (omitted for space, see last week)
--
The .sig is on vacation.
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