Dav wrote:
> http://www.riverfronttimes.com/Issu...usic/music.html
>
> Av Almighty
> Unlike Jesus, Avril Lavigne will live to prove her haters wrong
> By Ben "Sk8er Boi" Westhoff and Mike Seely
> Published: Wednesday, July 20, 2005
>
>
> Jesus had a lot of haters. Hence, his crucifixion. Avril Lavigne has a
> lot of haters, too. But fortunately for Lavigne, sounding awesome
> isn't a crime -- and crucifixion is viewed as cruel and unusual
> punishment nowadays.
>
> Critical crucifixion, unfortunately, is not. So instead of doing a
> point-counterpoint on Av's strengths and weaknesses as a rock goddess,
> we decided to recruit the two most unabashed Avril fans on Delmar
> Boulevard, so that they might counteract the dark forces that seek to
> derail the otherwise unstoppable A-Train.
>
> Mike Seely: There are but two absolutes in this cruel, cruel world: 1)
> Mary Magdalene was a whore with a penchant for bearded men in
> Birkenstocks and 2) Avril Lavigne isn't. The A-Train says as much on
> her smash hit single, "Don't Tell Me": "Did you think that I was gonna
> give it up to you, this ti-yee-i-yee-ime?" No, I didn't, which
> probably explains why I want to bend her over a radiator so badly.
>
> If Av wanted to whore it up like Xtina, Titney Federline or
> Raven-Symone, the loins of America would stand at attention. But
> instead the A-Train's got an electric fence around the perimeter of
> her backyard -- thanks to her recent engagement to Sum 41's Deryck
> Whibley -- that makes us pine for her all the more.
>
> But I digress. As far as Av's music goes, from the first verse of
> "Complicated," I've experienced a sonic force that I simply had not
> experienced before. The "twangst" and kitten-like palpitations in her
> voice make for three-minute carnival rides of emotion. She's the
> Knott's ****ing Berry Farm of post-adolescent power pop. Granted,
> "Sk8er Boy" was dog doo, but every other track on both of her albums
> is just ear candy, bro.
>
> Ben Westhoff: While your allusion to Avril as the second coming of
> Christ makes more sense than anything this side of "My Happy Ending,"
> there's a hole in your broader thesis wide enough to ram Mark
> Wahlberg's summer sausage through. "Sk8er Boi" -- there is an 'i' in
> 'boy,' don't forget -- was the horniest piece of pop-punk since Green
> Day's "Basket Case." Both songs inspired exurban high school chicks to
> go a couple bases further than they'd planned in their boyfriends'
> walk-in showers while high on pot. Booty-rawkin' is what rock's all
> about, which explains why Aerosmith gets you laid, the Beatles don't,
> and Yo La Tengo is strictly for the married and the castrated.
>
> MS: I don't like Green Day at all. But this isn't about Green Day,
> it's about Av. Everyone called her a poseur, but look at the movement
> she's inspired since Let Go debuted: Liz Phair booked Av's production
> team to cop her mojo, while Aguilera and Pink switched their sounds
> from snicker-lickin' bling to feminazi rawk. Moreover, the Olsen twins
> dress like heroin-addicted Dumpster divers, Hilary Duff and Kelly
> Clarkson now have something of an edge, and Jessica Simpson's little
> sister and Lindsay Hohan chose hot licks over samples on their
> respective (horrible) recording debuts.
>
> That's an awful lot of followers for a poseur to have. Which brings us
> back to that Avril-as-Jesus analogy: Let's just say the sandal fits.
>
> BW: Why that jerk James Caviezel got to play J.C. in that Passion
> movie is beyond me -- perhaps because they share the same initials,
> but that's all speculation. But the more I think about it, perhaps the
> Son of God is not the perfect Av-nalogy. Better to consider
> countrywoman and earthy-ish troubadour Alanis Morissette. Some have
> said that Avril is a cheap knockoff of Alanis, but that's like saying
> that the condom is a cheap knockoff of a swath of lamb-testicle skin
> tied on with twine. Morissette's songs lack the ***y edge of Av's (as
> does her figure), and the only reason I bring her up at all is that
> she played God in Kevin Smith's Dogma.
>
> There is one key difference between Avril and God, however. Her
> fa****on r=E9sum=E9 includes making wristbands look hot and pioneering
the
> tie/tank-top combo. God, by most accounts, doesn't even wear clothes.
>
> MS: Jim Caviezel was my coach at Cougar Cage Camp in Pullman,
> Wa****ngton, when I was twelve years old. No bull****. He was very
> slick and charismatic and reminded me of Tom Cruise. But if Avril
> Lavigne had a son, he would not look like Jimmy C. Similarly, if Avril
> Lavigne had a daughter, it would not look like Av's fellow Canuck, Ms.
> Morissette. Rather, the spawn of Lavigne would pop out of Av's womb
> drenched not in blood and uterus-goop, but in honey.
>
> BW: Sadly, as a possessor of merely grade-A, earth-quality sperm, I'm
> out of the running to help produce any little Lavignes. Maybe she and
> her betrothed will need a wet nurse.
Loco Bonobo went to her "concert" last night. He got drunk and almost
got into more than one fight. Idiot.
--Bryan
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