Re: WINNERS! Usenet Kook Awards, April 2008

Friendly Neighborhood Vote Wrangler wrote:
: <music>
: "20th Century Fox Fanfare"
: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z54ynmUPZ5c
: </music>
: 
: The time has come to announce the winners of the April 2008 Usenet
: Kook Awards.  Envelopes, please!
: 
: *drumroll*
: 
: BOBO AWARD
: 
:  The winners are...BRANDON AND AMBER HERBERT...
: 
: Brandon and Amber Herbert
: 
:  17 votes  YES
:  02 votes  NO
: 
: Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Herbert.  It was only a matter of time
: before kookery from Craigslist earned an award here on AUK, and you
: two pulled it off, even if you didn't succeed in covering up the
: original crime.  BTW, be prepared to say hi to "A Living Christ"
: while you are serving your time. He might come visiting!
: 
:  AND...RAUNI!
: 
:  Jeanette "Rauni" Runyon
: 
:  19 votes  YES
:  01 votes  NO
: 
: Congratulations, Rauni.  Your propensity for kookery has long been
: suspected, but it's astoni****ng that you confirmed it in such a big
: way. 
: 
: KOOK OF THE MONTH
: 
:  The winner is...LADY VETERAN!
: 
:  16 votes Bobbi Sanchez AKA Lady Veteran
:  08 votes Greg "Greegor" Hanson
:  00 votes Neither of the above
: 
: Congratulations, Lady Veteran!  In a battle of the former also-rans
: for this award, you pulled off a big win against a fellow who
: displays his kookery on AUK nearly every day, while you only rarely
: posted yours to AUK. 
: 
: Stay right here.  The next two awards are yours, as well.
: 
: CLUELESS NEWBIE OF THE MONTH
: 
:  The winner is...LADY VETERAN!
: 
:  16 votes Bobbi Sanchez AKA Lady Veteran
:  07 votes Anthony X
:  00 votes Neither of the above
: 
: Congratulations a second time, LV!  Your cluelessness about
: appropriate behavior on USENET defeated someone who went on a crusade
: to get a poster's Google Groups account nuked when the poster doesn't
: even post out of Google Groups.  It's difficult to top that, but you
: did! 
: 
: COWARD OF THE MONTH
: 
:  The winner is...LADY VETERAN!
: 
:  15 votes Bobbi Sanchez AKA Lady Veteran
:  09 votes David Tholen
:  01 votes Neither of the above
: 
: Congratulations a final time, LV!  Your propensity for real-lifing
: your opponents has earned you a sweep of the top three monthly core
: awards, which may be unprecidented and means that you have gone from
: a non-winner to hitting the big time in one month.  Also, it means
: that you will be on the Kooks of the Year ballot next January four
: times.  Do you have a website?  You could be on it a fifth time, too.
: 
: JOSEPH BARTLO MEMORIAL PATHETIC ANAL PINEAPPLE AWARD
: 
:  The winner is...DAVID THOLEN!
: 
:  12 votes David Tholen
:  08 votes Anthony X
:  02 votes Neither of the above
: 
: Congratulations, Dr. Tholen!  For as award-winning a net-personality
: as you are (by the time this ceremony is finished, you'll have 18
: awards from AUK, as well as several from AFA-B; furthermore, last
: month marked the 10th anniversary of your winning Kook of the Month),
: it is surprising that you have never won the entry-level PAP award. 
: Since I am a firm believer that all kooks should have at least one
: op****tunity to win all the awards for which they are eligible, I am
: pleased that you earned this honor.  However, you are now so
: overqualified for this award that I declare you ineligible to run for
: it any more.  Enjoy the company of Chuckles and St00pid! 
: 
: TONY SIDAWAY DRAMA QUEEN AWARD
: 
:  The winner is...DOUGLAS GRANT!
: 
:  12 votes Douglas Grant
:  08 votes Daniel Joseph Min
:  05 votes David Tholen
:  00 votes None of the above
: 
: Congratulations, Doogie!  Your long history of melting down,
: extending back to your wails of protestation over the results of the
: rec.gambling.blackjack.moderated election a decade ago, has finally
: been recognized.
: 
: VICTOR VON FRANKENSTEIN WEIRD SCIENCE AWARD
: 
:  The winner is...
: 
:  "Morgellons Is A Man-Made Silicon Based Life Form" by Alexa Cameron
: 
:  23 votes YES
:  00 votes NO
: 
: Congratulations, Alexa!  After a two-year hiatus, you have won your
: fifth VVFWS Award with a weird science idea of striking originality. 
: If only your fertile imagination could synthesize ideas that would
: actually survive controlled experiments and peer review, the world
: really would be a better place!
: 
: DOUGLAS GRANT MEDAL FOR HISTORICAL REVISIONISM
: 
:  The winner is...
: 
:  "Revisionist claims about Galileo" by John Wentzky
: 
:  21 votes YES
:  01 votes NO
: 
: Congratulations, John-boy!  You started off making a weird science
: claim, but it was really just a demonstration of cluelessness about
: history above and beyond the usual ignorance by a net-kook.  No
: matter.  Kooky ideas deserve proper recognition.
: 
: GEORGE PICKETT MEMORIAL TROPHY
: 
:  The winner is...ONIDEUS MAD HATTER!
: 
:  13 votes Matthew "Diaperboi" Moulton AKA Onideus Mad Hatter
:  08 votes Bobbi Sanchez AKA Lady Veteran
:  04 votes John Wentzky
:  00 votes None of the above
: 
: Congratulations, Malkavian!  You earned this for multiple campaigns
: this month, but the most memorable was that on behalf of your
: employers.  It might actually have been effective, had you not done
: it in front of people who know you well enough that, had you told
: them the sun would rise tomorrow, they would consult an almanac to
: make sure.  In the meantime, enjoy this video.
: 
: <video>
: "WAL-MART: The High Cost of Low Price -- teaser trailer"
: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiSmlmXp-aU
: </video>
: 
: BUSTED URINAL AWARD
: 
:  The winner is...DAVID THOLEN!
: 
:  12 votes David Tholen
:  11 votes Daniel Joseph Min
:  00 votes Neither of the above
: 
: Congratulations!  Your repetitiously robotic responses helped you eke
: out a slim victory for you as "the lamest of the lame on USENET" over
: someone who virtual stench is more like that of a rotting corpse than
: a busted urinal. It has also earned you a new nickname--Doctor
: Robotnik.  Enjoy your new handle and watch out for fast-moving
: hedgehogs! 
: 
: UNABOMBER SURPRISE
: 
:  The winner is...DANIEL JOSEPH MIN!
: 
:  10 votes Daniel Joseph Min
:  09 votes John Wentzky
:  04 votes Johnny Wizard
:  02 votes None of the above
: 
: Congratulations, Minnie Mouse!  You beat out a tough field full of
: notorious screeders by a nose, demonstrating that persistence and
: weirdness, as well as "anonymously" spamming multiple groups, pay off.
: Don't leave, as the next one is yours, too.
: 
: 72 RAISINS "CRACKPOT RELIGION" AWARD
: 
:  The winner is...DANIEL JOSEPH MIN!
: 
:  Daniel Joseph Min
: 
:  21 votes YES
:  00 votes NO
: 
: Congratulations, again, Minnie Mouse!  While your theological views
: about atheists and the end times aren't particularly unique, they are
: both notorious and extreme.  They've also been embellished by your
: attempts to combine your interpretation of Revelations with tarot,
: astrology, and the predictions of Nostradamus, resulting in some
: truly ridiculous predictions that have missed the mark by miles. 
: Next stop, the Looney Maroon! 
: 
: BOLO BULLIS FOAM DUCK
: 
:  The winner is...DAVID THOLEN!
: 
:  David Tholen
: 
:  18 votes YES
:  02 votes NO
: 
: Congratulations a third and final time this month, Doctor Robotnik! 
: As much as it personally pains me to give this award to as august a
: scientist as you, your online behavior really does fit the pattern of
: someone who has "lost more marbles than a Chinese Checker factory."
: 
: BALSA GAVEL
: 
:  The winner is...DOUGLAS GRANT!
: 
:  Douglas Grant
: 
:  22 votes YES
:  00 votes NO
: 
: Congratulations, Doogie!  Your long history of hauling your online
: adversaries into court has finally been recognized, making you the
: first winner of this rarely presented award since Tim Bolen won it
: for September 2006, the first month I counted the ballot and
: announced the winners.  Now, don't bang the award on the table--it
: might shatter on you! 
: 
: BARBARA WOODHOUSE MEMORIAL DOG-WHISTLE AWARD
: 
:  The winner is...
: 
:  10 votes Robert "Mop Jockey" Wolfe, trained by Cujo de Sockpuppet
:  09 votes Matthew "Diaperboi" Moulton AKA Onideus Mad Hatter,
:           trained by Meat Plow
:  01 votes Neither of the above
: 
: Congratulations, Unixd0rk!  This is twice now that you've played
: games with domain names to honor your trainers.  Do you have any more
: stupid net tricks for us (tinu)?  Also, congratulations to Cujo, for
: gaining a new pet to replace his deceased one and training them both
: so well that they served as the first two AUK Mascots.
: 
: PIERRE SALINGER MEMORIAL HOOK, LINE & SINKER
: 
:  The winner is...MEAT->PLOW!
: 
:  "Luring the Net-Dead Lurkers" by Meat->Plow
: 
:  18 votes YES
:  03 votes NO
: 
: Congratulations, Meat->Plow!  This award recognizes not only this
: particular instance of worthy trolling, but all of the trolling in
: which you have engaged since the award you shared with Buzzard four
: years ago. 
: 
: All Hail Meat->Plow, for he hace much grateness!!!1!!
: 
: KOOKI INFORMATION MINISTER
: 
:  The winner is...
: 
:  17 votes Pamela Russell
:  04 votes Donald Alford AKA Wizard of Odds
: 
: Congratulations again, Fangirlfriend!  Your talent for spewing
: misinformation on behalf of your clay-footed, one-gloved idol led you
: to an easy defeat of a first-time opponent.  Keep up the good work!
: 
: MINISTRY OF CIRCLE JERKS
: 
:  The winner is...NAZICOWARDS OF SOC.CULTURE.ISRAEL!
: 
:  12 votes Nazicowards of soc.culture.israel
:  08 votes Bert "Bertrude" Hoff and Scott "Schattie" Abraham
: 
: Congratulations, anti-semitic wankers!  You have twice defeated very
: stong opposition, first by dethroning the B8MBies and then fending
: off a challenge by one of the longest-running circle jerks on USENET.
: I never know a shared hatred could be such an aphrodesiac!
: 
: OFFICE OF ILLUCIDUS MAXIMUS
: 
:  The winner is...
: 
:  15 votes Jeff Relf
:  09 votes Colonel Jake
: 
: Congratulations, Relf the Illucid!  May your tenure in office be as
: long as you are incomprehensible.
: 
: This concludes the announcement of the winners of the April 2008
: Usenet Kook Awards.  Thirty-three people submitted thirty-three
: ballots, all of which were ruled to be valid, although two of them
: required acts of unusual mercy on the part of the FNVW, which were
: granted because the violations were minor and the result of minor
: stupidity, not intentional cheating.  Consequently, for the fifth
: consecutive election, all were counted.  First, a kook sweeps the top
: three awards, then this. 
: 
: See you all very shortly, as the call for nominations for the AUK
: Mascot goes out in a few days.  Also, I might get around to the AFA-B
: elections, as I have been promising for two months.  Any bets that
: I'll get it done before Memorial Day?  Until then, hail Fluffy and
: may Bob have mercy on your souls!
: 
: And now, a special recessional in honor of this month's big individual
: w(h)inner--Lady Veteran!
: 
: <music>
: "Pinky and The Brain, 'Brainstem'"
: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snO68aJTOpM
: </music>

my, my.  where have I been . . .