<music>
"20th Century Fox Fanfare"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z54ynmUPZ5c
</music>
The time has come to announce the winners of the April 2008 Usenet
Kook Awards. Envelopes, please!
*drumroll*
BOBO AWARD
The winners are...BRANDON AND AMBER HERBERT...
Brandon and Amber Herbert
17 votes YES
02 votes NO
Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Herbert. It was only a matter of time
before
kookery from Craigslist earned an award here on AUK, and you two pulled it
off, even if you didn't succeed in covering up the original crime. BTW,
be
prepared to say hi to "A Living Christ" while you are serving your time.
He might come visiting!
AND...RAUNI!
Jeanette "Rauni" Runyon
19 votes YES
01 votes NO
Congratulations, Rauni. Your propensity for kookery has long been
suspected, but it's astonishing that you confirmed it in such a big way.
KOOK OF THE MONTH
The winner is...LADY VETERAN!
16 votes Bobbi Sanchez AKA Lady Veteran
08 votes Greg "Greegor" Hanson
00 votes Neither of the above
Congratulations, Lady Veteran! In a battle of the former also-rans for
this award, you pulled off a big win against a fellow who displays his
kookery on AUK nearly every day, while you only rarely posted yours to
AUK.
Stay right here. The next two awards are yours, as well.
CLUELESS NEWBIE OF THE MONTH
The winner is...LADY VETERAN!
16 votes Bobbi Sanchez AKA Lady Veteran
07 votes Anthony X
00 votes Neither of the above
Congratulations a second time, LV! Your cluelessness about appropriate
behavior on USENET defeated someone who went on a crusade to get a
poster's
Google Groups account nuked when the poster doesn't even post out of
Google
Groups. It's difficult to top that, but you did!
COWARD OF THE MONTH
The winner is...LADY VETERAN!
15 votes Bobbi Sanchez AKA Lady Veteran
09 votes David Tholen
01 votes Neither of the above
Congratulations a final time, LV! Your propensity for real-lifing your
opponents has earned you a sweep of the top three monthly core awards,
which may be unprecidented and means that you have gone from a non-winner
to hitting the big time in one month. Also, it means that you will be on
the Kooks of the Year ballot next January four times. Do you have a
website? You could be on it a fifth time, too.
JOSEPH BARTLO MEMORIAL PATHETIC ANAL PINEAPPLE AWARD
The winner is...DAVID THOLEN!
12 votes David Tholen
08 votes Anthony X
02 votes Neither of the above
Congratulations, Dr. Tholen! For as award-winning a net-personality as
you
are (by the time this ceremony is finished, you'll have 18 awards from
AUK,
as well as several from AFA-B; furthermore, last month marked the 10th
anniversary of your winning Kook of the Month), it is surprising that you
have never won the entry-level PAP award. Since I am a firm believer that
all kooks should have at least one opportunity to win all the awards for
which they are eligible, I am pleased that you earned this honor.
However,
you are now so overqualified for this award that I declare you ineligible
to run for it any more. Enjoy the company of Chuckles and St00pid!
TONY SIDAWAY DRAMA QUEEN AWARD
The winner is...DOUGLAS GRANT!
12 votes Douglas Grant
08 votes Daniel Joseph Min
05 votes David Tholen
00 votes None of the above
Congratulations, Doogie! Your long history of melting down, extending
back
to your wails of protestation over the results of the
rec.gambling.blackjack.moderated election a decade ago, has finally been
recognized.
VICTOR VON FRANKENSTEIN WEIRD SCIENCE AWARD
The winner is...
"Morgellons Is A Man-Made Silicon Based Life Form" by Alexa Cameron
23 votes YES
00 votes NO
Congratulations, Alexa! After a two-year hiatus, you have won your fifth
VVFWS Award with a weird science idea of striking originality. If only
your fertile imagination could synthesize ideas that would actually
survive
controlled experiments and peer review, the world really would be a better
place!
DOUGLAS GRANT MEDAL FOR HISTORICAL REVISIONISM
The winner is...
"Revisionist claims about Galileo" by John Wentzky
21 votes YES
01 votes NO
Congratulations, John-boy! You started off making a weird science claim,
but it was really just a demonstration of cluelessness about history above
and beyond the usual ignorance by a net-kook. No matter. Kooky ideas
deserve proper recognition.
GEORGE PICKETT MEMORIAL TROPHY
The winner is...ONIDEUS MAD HATTER!
13 votes Matthew "Diaperboi" Moulton AKA Onideus Mad Hatter
08 votes Bobbi Sanchez AKA Lady Veteran
04 votes John Wentzky
00 votes None of the above
Congratulations, Malkavian! You earned this for multiple campaigns this
month, but the most memorable was that on behalf of your employers. It
might actually have been effective, had you not done it in front of people
who know you well enough that, had you told them the sun would rise
tomorrow, they would consult an almanac to make sure. In the meantime,
enjoy this video.
<video>
"WAL-MART: The High Cost of Low Price -- teaser trailer"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiSmlmXp-aU
</video>
BUSTED URINAL AWARD
The winner is...DAVID THOLEN!
12 votes David Tholen
11 votes Daniel Joseph Min
00 votes Neither of the above
Congratulations! Your repetitiously robotic responses helped you eke out
a
slim victory for you as "the lamest of the lame on USENET" over someone
who
virtual stench is more like that of a rotting corpse than a busted urinal.
It has also earned you a new nickname--Doctor Robotnik. Enjoy your new
handle and watch out for fast-moving hedgehogs!
UNABOMBER SURPRISE
The winner is...DANIEL JOSEPH MIN!
10 votes Daniel Joseph Min
09 votes John Wentzky
04 votes Johnny Wizard
02 votes None of the above
Congratulations, Minnie Mouse! You beat out a tough field full of
notorious screeders by a nose, demonstrating that persistence and
weirdness, as well as "anonymously" spamming multiple groups, pay off.
Don't leave, as the next one is yours, too.
72 RAISINS "CRACKPOT RELIGION" AWARD
The winner is...DANIEL JOSEPH MIN!
Daniel Joseph Min
21 votes YES
00 votes NO
Congratulations, again, Minnie Mouse! While your theological views about
atheists and the end times aren't particularly unique, they are both
notorious and extreme. They've also been embellished by your attempts to
combine your interpretation of Revelations with tarot, astrology, and the
predictions of Nostradamus, resulting in some truly ridiculous predictions
that have missed the mark by miles. Next stop, the Looney Maroon!
BOLO BULLIS FOAM DUCK
The winner is...DAVID THOLEN!
David Tholen
18 votes YES
02 votes NO
Congratulations a third and final time this month, Doctor Robotnik! As
much as it personally pains me to give this award to as august a scientist
as you, your online behavior really does fit the pattern of someone who
has
"lost more marbles than a Chinese Checker factory."
BALSA GAVEL
The winner is...DOUGLAS GRANT!
Douglas Grant
22 votes YES
00 votes NO
Congratulations, Doogie! Your long history of hauling your online
adversaries into court has finally been recognized, making you the first
winner of this rarely presented award since Tim Bolen won it for September
2006, the first month I counted the ballot and announced the winners.
Now,
don't bang the award on the table--it might shatter on you!
BARBARA WOODHOUSE MEMORIAL DOG-WHISTLE AWARD
The winner is...
10 votes Robert "Mop Jockey" Wolfe, trained by Cujo de Sockpuppet
09 votes Matthew "Diaperboi" Moulton AKA Onideus Mad Hatter,
trained by Meat Plow
01 votes Neither of the above
Congratulations, Unixd0rk! This is twice now that you've played games
with
domain names to honor your trainers. Do you have any more stupid net
tricks for us (tinu)? Also, congratulations to Cujo, for gaining a new
pet
to replace his deceased one and training them both so well that they
served
as the first two AUK Mascots.
PIERRE SALINGER MEMORIAL HOOK, LINE & SINKER
The winner is...MEAT->PLOW!
"Luring the Net-Dead Lurkers" by Meat->Plow
18 votes YES
03 votes NO
Congratulations, Meat->Plow! This award recognizes not only this
particular instance of worthy trolling, but all of the trolling in which
you have engaged since the award you shared with Buzzard four years ago.
All Hail Meat->Plow, for he hace much grateness!!!1!!
KOOKI INFORMATION MINISTER
The winner is...
17 votes Pamela Russell
04 votes Donald Alford AKA Wizard of Odds
Congratulations again, Fangirlfriend! Your talent for spewing
misinformation on behalf of your clay-footed, one-gloved idol led you to
an
easy defeat of a first-time opponent. Keep up the good work!
MINISTRY OF CIRCLE JERKS
The winner is...NAZICOWARDS OF SOC.CULTURE.ISRAEL!
12 votes Nazicowards of soc.culture.israel
08 votes Bert "Bertrude" Hoff and Scott "Schattie" Abraham
Congratulations, anti-semitic wankers! You have twice defeated very stong
opposition, first by dethroning the B8MBies and then fending off a
challenge by one of the longest-running circle jerks on USENET. I never
know a shared hatred could be such an aphrodesiac!
OFFICE OF ILLUCIDUS MAXIMUS
The winner is...
15 votes Jeff Relf
09 votes Colonel Jake
Congratulations, Relf the Illucid! May your tenure in office be as long
as
you are incomprehensible.
This concludes the announcement of the winners of the April 2008
Usenet Kook Awards. Thirty-three people submitted thirty-three
ballots, all of which were ruled to be valid, although two of them
required
acts of unusual mercy on the part of the FNVW, which were granted because
the violations were minor and the result of minor stupidity, not
intentional cheating. Consequently, for the fifth consecutive election,
all were counted. First, a kook sweeps the top three awards, then this.
See you all very shortly, as the call for nominations for the AUK Mascot
goes out in a few days. Also, I might get around to the AFA-B elections,
as I have been promising for two months. Any bets that I'll get it done
before Memorial Day? Until then, hail Fluffy and may Bob have mercy on
your souls!
And now, a special recessional in honor of this month's big individual
w(h)inner--Lady Veteran!
<music>
"Pinky and The Brain, 'Brainstem'"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snO68aJTOpM
</music>
--
The Friendly Neighborhood Vote Wrangler of AUK
http://www.caballista.org/auk/index.html
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